Assholes. Where do they come from? Why do we love them? How do we take care of them? And who are they, really? We get the hole truth live from Boise for Podfort, part of the Treefort Music Festival.
In this episode: News- 10:46 || Main Topic (Assholes)- 19:41 || Gayest & Straightest- 56:07
On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, Mike and Kyle discuss a few more Am I The (Gay) Asshole questions from Reddit. Get bonus audio, video, and other great benefits by joining our Patreon at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hello, everyone in the Podfort universe. This is Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
The podcast that is overflowing with vim and vigor. Vim and Vigor, the two Russian gentleman I met in the bathroom right before this. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike laughs] I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And…
KYLE GETZ
My dad sometimes [Kyle chuckles] listens to this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, you know.
KYLE GETZ
Hi, Dad.
MIKE JOHNSON
He knows what’s up.
KYLE GETZ
Um, turn this off. [Mike laughs] Um, uh, we are the podcast “Gayish”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
We talk about gay stereotypes.
MIKE JOHNSON
We do. Hello Boise. Hi Treefort. Good to see everybody. [audience applauds] Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You’re all the nerds that came to see a podcast instead of the bands on the stage. We appreciate you. [both chuckle] Thank you for that.
MIKE JOHNSON
You have so much, much cooler, shit to be doing and yet here you are.
KYLE GETZ
And here you are.
MIKE JOHNSON
But thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, just a quick reminder. I think it’s up there or in the notes, but this is a very not safe for work show. This is a sexuality podcast, and we’re gonna- we’re gonna tell you all kinds of things, so if that’s not something you want to hear then I guess you’ve been warned.
KYLE GETZ
Should you have said that before I made my overflowing semen comment?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes, absolutely. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Okay. Okay. We’ll work on that for our next live show.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um… yeah. Okay, so how many of you – just show of hands – how many of you’ve heard Gayish before? …Excellent, that’s about half.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, fuck! Some of you! Wow! [both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s fantastic.
KYLE GETZ
That’s so exciting!
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, and so presuming – uh, show of hands – the rest of you are Gayish virgins, then that’s good. Excellent. Welcome. We like virgins. Um. Uh, show of hands if you identify as a member of the LGBT community. …Excellent. Also-
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god, so many homosexuals! [both chuckle] Homosexuals who’ve seen- who have heard our podcast. That’s pretty impressive.
MIKE JOHNSON
For those of you who are new, our show is about gay stereotypes. Every week, we try to break down some sort of stereotype, either about straight people or gay people, and why they don’t necessarily fit very well all the time. Um, and uh yeah, we’ve been doing this – it’s a long format show, usually an hour, hour and a half, weekly – and we’ve been doing it weekly for… it’ll be six years, next week. So we’ve been around the block. We have a lot of back catalogue people, who start and they will write in. They’ll be like “You just talked about, like, Trump getting elected,” and I’m like “Oh, fuck.” [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Or, this is what I do when I listen to my podcast, they start to get close to the pandemic and they’re like “This weird thing is happening!” and you’re like “Oh, honeys…” like “Give it like a month and then you’ll know what’s going on.” Oh, it’s- It’s- I hate getting to that point. I’m like “Go back to playing D&D, because it’s about to get real.” [Mike laughs] So you can experience that… [Kyle chuckles] again. That was supposed to be promoting us and our show. You can experience that. It’s fun.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, also, in the spirit of stereotypes, every single episode, we do our Gayest & Straightest at the end of the episode. That’s the stereotypically gayest thing about us in the last week, and the stereotypically straight- Gayest, straightest: one of each. Just to show that everybody has a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B all the time. So we will be asking y’all to share your Gayest & Straightest at the end of the show also, if you would like, and the first couple of victims get to go home with a Gayish coffee mug… Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So start thinking about the gayest thing and the straightest thing you’ve done this week.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes.
KYLE GETZ
Or recently.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, recent memory. Um, it- For an inexplicable reasons, we never reveal the topic of our live show until further into the show. So you just have to wait longer, for no good reason whatsoever.
KYLE GETZ
I’m very excited about this week’s topic.
MIKE JOHNSON
I am too because we always ask the audience to yell it at us, [Kyle chuckles] and so we always pick really fun words to yell.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
This is no exception. Um… and uh, yeah. So- So we usually do the news for Gayish, and this episode will have a news section in it but we cut it for time and we’ll do it at a different time. But, before we go into the topic, I do want to point out that this week is Trans Day of visibility – that’s March the 31st – and it’s, now more than ever, important that we do our part to support our trans brothers and sisters because, uh, shit is not great right now, y’all.
KYLE GETZ
I love the podcast Gender Reveal, talks about gender and these kinds of things, and they have a Trans Day of Staying in and Having a [TN: Nice] Snack. [Mike chuckles] So if you’re trans you can participate in whatever way you want.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but for Trans Day of Visibility I wanted to really quickly read a opinion piece written by Jennifer Koslow last week, in USA Today, “I am the parent of a transgender child. What about my parental rights?” Florida, and Idaho, and lots of places in the country right now are really starting to take a stab at the ability for parents to give their trans kids the kind of care that they need. So I just wanted to read really quickly her letter. Um, “Florida Statute 1014 reads: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.’ If HB 1421 and SB 254 pass into law, the state needs to update its language to say: ‘The Legislature finds that it is a fundamental right of some parents to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their minor children.‘ Sound familiar? Do you remember reading George Orwell’s satirical novella ‘Animal Farm’? I do. I vividly recollect that the pigs on Manor Farm transformed the original tenet ‘All Animals are Equal’ into ‘But Some Animals are More Equal than Others.’ What I never imagined, however, is that my family might be the subject of a similar dystopian nightmare. I am the parent of a transgender child. I should have the fundamental right to determine what is in the best interests of my child’s health and education. These legislations that would ban gender-affirming medical care for minors and put conditions on medical care for adults – and bills that would expand legislation related to educational institutions and instruction requirements – will all have the same impact. They undermine my parental authority. My family and no family I know has ever made a medical decision regarding their [trans] child without consulting a team of physicians. Having gender dysphoria is not being ‘confused.’ It is a condition where a person’s feelings about their body are out of alignment with the physical traits of their body. For some (but not all), gender dysphoria creates extreme distress. Decades of data on puberty blockers tell us that this is a safe medication to temporarily pause puberty. As transgender children become adolescents, gradually taking gender-affirming hormones is only done as an informed decision for them and their parents. HB 1421 and SB 254 undermine a parent’s fundamental right to make medical decisions for their child in consultation with their physicians. Other legislations fill me with equal dread. HB 1403/SB 1580 would establish a health care provider’s right to a ‘conscience-based objection’ to providing services to a patient. Imagine sitting in a hospital gown and a nurse or doctor comes in, looks at you and decides they aren’t treating you because you are transgender. Terrifying and humiliating at the same time. HB 1223/HB 1069/SB 1320 would result in a different nightmare scenario. Imagine sitting in a classroom and everyone knows you as Sally. And then this bill passes, and the teacher calls you James. Everyone laughs. Then the kids in the class begin to taunt you. What does the teacher do? Nothing. Why? Because, in Florida, it will be OK for a teacher and peers to intentionally misgender someone, which by its very nature is belittling. The Florida Constitution makes it a duty of the state to provide all children with ‘a uniform, efficient, safe, secure, and high quality system of free public schools.’ These bills would undermine every transgender child’s constitutional right to feel safe and secure at school. There have always been and always will be transgender people, including children. Aren’t decisions about their individualized care best made by their parents? Why is the state looking to make some parents second-class citizens when it comes to parental rights? I urge you to contact your state legislators and ask them to vote no on these bills.” If you have trans person in your life, reach out to them, especially on March 31st.
KYLE GETZ
That’s very well written and very- Yeah, the people that are saying that it’s their right, like their parental right, are like… only if it’s their way.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Not- Yeah, it’s not actually about that. So.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Exactly right. Exactly right.
[record scratch sound plays]
MIKE JOHNSON
Hi, everybody, it’s Mike. You already knew that… or maybe not. A lot of people write in and they seem very confused about which of us is Mike and which of us is Kyle, which I- I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get it. I support you, I still love you, but- but like, I am Mike. This is Mike interrupting everything. Okay, we’re interrupting the live show, which is weird, for a couple of reasons. As you know, we were in Treefort, and because they only gave us an hour long slot we decided to cut the news to make sure that we could fit all the rest of the content in that we wanted to. And then, a little bit later, we got a 100 words submission from someone, that I’m going to read here in just a second, but it is time sensitive so we wanted to make sure that it got into this episode because it’s about elections next week. So what you’re gonna hear is first me doing the 100 words, and then you’re gonna hear the news that Kyle and I recorded separately while we were down in Boise, and then we’ll return you back to the live show at Treefort. This is from John Wong: “Hi, Kyle and Mike. Another 100 words for me this week, again to get out this vote. Hey, Gayish listeners, especially for those in Wisconsin. There’s a critical state Supreme Court race happening this coming Tuesday, April 4. The balance of the Wisconsin Supreme Court hangs on this election, which can decide the fate of LGBTQ rights, abortion access, and even voting rights and fair elections. So if you live in Wisconsin, please vote for Janet Protasiewicz, and if you don’t live in Wisconsin but live nearby in Illinois, Iowa, or Minnesota, consider making a quick canvassing trip, phone banking, or donating to the Wisconsin Democratic Party. Let’s make sure Wisconsin moves forward like Michigan and not backwards like Florida. Thanks again for the podcast as usual, and hope we continue to get out the vote. Best, John.”
MIKE JOHNSON [giving the news, recorded in Boise]
And now the news.
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh God, Kyle. Okay, news the first.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uganda- [Mike sighs] Don’t go there.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So yeah, just last Tuesday Uganda’s parliament passed the anti-homosexuality bill. They said the quiet part out loud.
KYLE GETZ
They just- Yeah, they just called it that. It wasn’t the “Family Act” or the, like, “Safe Children Act.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Nope. A strict piece of legislation that expands the east African nation’s already horrific laws on homosexuality. Both sides of the government supported the bill. Only two people voted against it, out of the whole Parliament, which I forget how many people it is but it’s like 300 and something voted for it.
KYLE GETZ
Mm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uganda is just a fucked place, Kyle. Anyway, the new bill says that simply identifying as LGBTQ is illegal.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
So it’s like, you- No. You just can’t. You can’t be that.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
And for those found guilty of what they’re calling “aggravated homosexuality” – that means butt sex-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, God.
MIKE JOHNSON
-the death penalty.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, it can be aggravating. [Mike laughs] The death penalty?
MIKE JOHNSON
The death penalty.
KYLE GETZ
Shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. And allies of the LGBTQ+ community could also face jail time for knowing about someone being involved in same sex behavior and not reporting it.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. If you know about butt sex, you have to say about but sex.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. If you see butt sex, say butt sex.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Shit. That sucks.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Uh, of course everybody’s freaked out, but the thing about Uganda that is really interesting to me is there have been white Christian folks, from the United States especially, but other English speaking countries, who have been going to Uganda to stoke the fires of LGBTQ hate.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm.
MIKE JOHNSON
And they’ve been pushing for this kind of legislation, in this like- They’re like, I don’t know, like trying to save them from the horrors of where we are at or something. It’s really- It’s really fucked up. There have been many, many missions on the part of Evangelical Christians to Uganda, in order to get them to act like this. And there’s also- We’ve talked about it on the show before, there’s this this disturbing thing of like “Homosexuality isn’t African,” is one of the messages, and it absolutely is. It absolutely is. The only reason it’s not now is because of colonialization and the white Christian influence on African culture. There were all kinds of different genders, all kinds of different sexualities in many parts of Africa historically, and this this rhetoric that the LGBTQ people are anti-African is just not historically accurate. But since when does the right give a fuck about accuracy?
KYLE GETZ
And history.
KYLE GETZ and MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So I’m gonna to cancel that stop on our tour.
KYLE GETZ
Yes. [Mike chuckles] We may not- We may be going somewhere else instead.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, news the second.
KYLE GETZ
Great.
MIKE JOHNSON
Kentucky-
KYLE GETZ
Ew-ew.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [Mike chuckles] That’s exactly what- Exactly- What?
KYLE GETZ
I wanted something happy next. Did they start serving a new flavor of ice cream? Fried chicken ice cream?
MIKE JOHNSON
The 16th of March Kentucky passed Senate Bill 150, which was called by the ACLU, quote, “The worst anti-trans bill in the nation.”
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
It is one of the bills that has been percolating through state legislatures that would force people under 18 to detransition.
KYLE GETZ
Oh God.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, it bans trans-affirming care for minors but also would force the detransitioning – medical detransitioning – of anyone under the age of 18, even if their parent is on board.
KYLE GETZ
And against medical advice. Like, against what doctors and medical associations have recommended.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Well, the governor Andy Beshear has vetoed it.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. So, he’s a Democrat and on Friday he vetoed the bill. He said, quote, “tears away the freedom of parents to make important and difficult medical decisions for their kids. It tears away the freedom of parents to do what those parents believe is best for their kids, and instead has big government making those decisions for everyone, even if the parents disagree, and-” uh-
KYLE GETZ
That’s- It’s not the human argument, that should be at the root of it, that like, you know, humans deserve the right- are trans and deserve gender-affirming care. But I like- That arguing almost seems like it would work better with the right, to be like “Get the government out of that and let parents make their own decision,” which is what they say they care about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
It seems like a smart political move.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. Well, the Republican-dominated legislature is expected to override his veto-
KYLE GETZ
Oh no.
MIKE JOHNSON
-here at the end of March, next week, so we’ll see. But at least a glimmer of hope that at least one person is trying to do the right thing.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Fuck.
MIKE JOHNSON
And news the last- I… I will call this a happy story.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. [Kyle chuckles] I’m skeptical, the way you framed that.
MIKE JOHNSON
But- Well, Darcelle XV, who was an iconic Portland local drag queen, has passed away at the age of 92.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, I mean, she had a really good run.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So, like, we can strike a celebratory tone for her. She’s a legend. She died at 92. I believe I got to meet her once.
KYLE GETZ
Really?
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, yeah. Um, but she died Thursday of natural causes. Off-stage he was Walter W. Cole Sr., and Darcelle’s nightclub, the Darcelle XV Showplace, was a Portland nightclub that ran for more than 50 years. And the family is expected to continue to operate the club even after her passing. So she is in the Guinness World Records, in the 2016 version, as the world’s oldest drag performer.
KYLE GETZ
Damn. That seems mean. [both laugh] Like, for drag- Like, it’s an insulting Guinness record.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Well, you know.
KYLE GETZ
“World’s oldest”. Not just hyperbole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [Mike chuckles] I would go for a “world’s oldest podcaster”, but Big Fattie has a pretty good lead on us.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. [Kyle chuckles] Yeah, not yet.
MIKE JOHNSON
Before creating Darcelle, Cole was a manager the Fred Meyer retail chain, ran a café called Caffé Espresso and a variety of bars in Portland. He bought what was called the Demas tavern, in 1967, in what was then a rough neighborhood of Portland, and started performing drag there. The first time was when he was 37, and he created the Darcelle persona with help from his life partner, fellow entertainer Roxy LeRoy Neuhardt. The name was based on a French actress named Denise Darcel, with whom Neuhardt had appeared in Las Vegas. The performances helped the business take off. The bar was renamed Darcelle XV Showplace, in 1974. Cole and Neuhardt had a long, gay relationship, even though Cole remained married to his wife Jeanette. Cole and his wife had two children; One, Walter Jr., has worked at the drag club for three decades and says that he’s going to keep it running.
KYLE GETZ
Family business is not what I would expect from a drag… sh-
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike laughs] Right.
KYLE GETZ
Like a- Yeah, a place that does drag like that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. Yep. Their house is on the National Register of Historic Places.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
So is the Darcelle XV Showplace.
KYLE GETZ
Damn.
MIKE JOHNSON
And Cole said becoming Darcelle enhanced, and perhaps even saved, his life. Quote, “If I hadn’t admitted who I was, I’d probably be dead by now.” “I’d be sitting on a couch retiring from Fred Meyer management. [That’s] not for me.” [Kyle chuckles] And anyway, raised a whole bunch of money for charities, is just an institution in the Portland drag scene and queer life in general, and she’ll be very much missed.
KYLE GETZ
Aw. Yeah, you never, like, hear about old drag queens.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, we just think of the ones that are on RuPaul’s Drag Race and they’re, you know, 20s and 30s. You don’t think about-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Like, your career like that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. And some of it, I think, is like… it’s a hustle.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, I think it’s exhausting, probably. Like, I know a lot of drag queens that sort of- Like, they get into their 40s and they’re like “Fuck this noise. I’m out.”
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] “I’m out. I’m tired.”
MIKE JOHNSON
But it sounds like he was able to leverage it into a pretty stable and steady gig. Like, he’s not- He’s not hauling wigs across town in his trunk.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, so- You know.
KYLE GETZ
Like we saw at Dragfort yesterday. I just saw a bunch of like, you know, head mannequins with no hair because they were wearing it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, just their bags and all their shit.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, exactly. Well, that’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
That’s the news. Um, are we now turning it back to live us for the rest of the show?
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, live us, don’t fuck it up!
KYLE GETZ
Hope you did good!
MIKE JOHNSON
Hope you did-
KYLE GETZ
Get ready for the laughs, everybody… [both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON [back at Treefort]
Uh, are you ready to get into the topic?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah, let’s get into the topic.
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you sure? Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So we’re gonna count to three and then Kyle is gonna show you with a sign and it has today’s topic written on it, so I want you to, like, Family Feud-style yell it out as soon as you see the word. Are you ready? 1, 2, 3. Here we go.
AUDIENCE
Assholes!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, you nailed it! We’re gonna talk about assholes, everybody. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
Today we’re talking about assholes. Um, it’s kind of fitting, after what you just read. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The Idaho State Legislature right there, everybody. And many, many other states across the country.
KYLE GETZ
Um, yeah, so-
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re gonna talk about both kinds of assholes too!
KYLE GETZ
We’ll see- We’ll see what we talk about!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a cornucopia, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Cornucopia of assholes. [both chuckle] Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
A cornhole-ucopia?
KYLE GETZ
Corn- Yeah. You had to.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a stretch.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Are we talking about vim and vigor again?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Exactly.
KYLE GETZ
Do you want to define “asshole”?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uhh, you mean the person kind.
KYLE GETZ
Do I? Yeah, I do. Actually, yes, I do actually need to narrow it down at some point. Yeah, I’m gonna define “asshole” at first.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, well, what do- What makes an asshole, to you?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh… God. Chewing gum while they talk? No, there was that sketch on Saturday Night Live of “The two a-holes do this. Two a-holes do that,” and it was Kristen Wiig and that other dude… um, uh… Jason Sudeikis, and they are like obtuse, generally rude, really pretty ignorant, and take up a lot of just emotional space in a room. Um…
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god. You kinda did it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Did I?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Okay, so there’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, I know me some assholes, Kyle. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
There’s a guy who literally wrote the book on assholes. Aaron James, who’s the associate professor of philosophy at the University of California in Irvine – which, who knows us better than people in Irvine [Mike laughs] – wrote a book called-
MIKE JOHNSON
Have you ever been to Irvine?
KYLE GETZ
No, I’ve worked with people from Irvine.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. You’re not wrong. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
He was… uh… So this book [Mike laughs] is called “Assholes: A Theory” and the- I almost- I came very close to reading the book… and then I didn’t. I learned there was a documentary about it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh! Okay.
KYLE GETZ
And I came very close to watching the documentary.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, but you didn’t? Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I read a review of the book.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
And that’s what I’m gonna tell you about. So their definition, in the New York Magazine- Which, the New York Magazine is like… you didn’t get into The New Yorker, right? Isn’t that what it is?
MIKE JOHNSON
Ohh, I think I thought they were the same thing until right this second. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
I wrote “The New Yorker” and then looked back, and yeah. Um, uh- Some things I mentioned, which, I think you basically said these: a sense of ironclad entitlement, they feel superior, they are immune to your complaints even though he insists you listened to his, and – I like this – reflective but only to the extent that it allows him to morally justify his behavior.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god, that sounds like a former president.
KYLE GETZ
That sounds like your former boyfriend. [both chuckle] Your former husband. Um, also he acts like this systematically. So it is all of these things with regularity. The best part about that article, in addition to helping me not have to read or watch a long nonfiction movie, is that they use the word “a-dar”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Which, I really liked that, for finding an asshole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You’re an a-dar.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. [Mike chuckles] I love it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. So that’s the def-
MIKE JOHNSON
How’s your a-dar? You think you’re pretty good at it?
KYLE GETZ
Y- [Kyle sighs] Yes, for the wrong reasons.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Which, I don’t know if-
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Cause they turn you on.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Are we gonna talk-
MIKE JOHNSON
You’re into as-
KYLE GETZ
Are we gonna talk about that now?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, I mean, we can talk about it whenever, but, like, you’re kind of into assholes.
KYLE GETZ
I… am. And- [Mike laughs] That is true, and I blame them.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s their fault for being hot? Is it-
KYLE GETZ
Well, they’re just so fucking hot. And it’s really annoy- I don’t want to be this way, and I think I- [Kyle chuckles] I was born this way, Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
I can’t control it. I’m into assholes, I’m into frat dudes, I’m into like bossy banker types, I’m into someone that would like get in front of you in a line and didn’t realize you’re there and I’m too soft spoken and I’m just like “Okay, I guess I’m in this spot in line now,” like “Okay, we’ve changed now.” I don’t know. I can’t help it. I don’t think I’d date them, but I really want them to nail me.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike chuckles] I mean, please don’t date them, because that means they have to be in my life too.
KYLE GETZ
That’s true. [both laugh] By indirect association of assholes? Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, is- Anybody here identify as an asshole?
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god.
MIKE JOHNSON
There’s some people that like… like, like that about themselves. Like, they- That’s part of their persona.
KYLE GETZ
No?
MIKE JOHNSON
No?
KYLE GETZ
No? Okay. Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, that’s good. You can stay then.
KYLE GETZ
But like, is the thing about assholes you don’t- Do you know you’re an asshole?
MIKE JOHNSON
I think some of them do. Some of the must.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t- I think some of them think that that’s just how people are.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm… Mm. Mm.
KYLE GETZ
Um, Urban Dictionary has a couple definitions also, that I’m going to read to you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Let’s do it.
KYLE GETZ
Their definition of “ass-”
MIKE JOHNSON
They’re a treasure trove of comedy. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
A treasure trove… Uh, their definition of “asshole” is “Some[one] from L.A., New York … , Detroit, France, [or] Fort Wayne, Indiana”. [audience and Mike laugh] I don’t know- Do you know- Is there anything- Did this one person have a grudge against… fuckin’ “I’ll get you!” on Urban Dictionary?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I don’t know. That’s hilarious though.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know. Or anyone “who go[es] to Harvard … and a few bastards from Canada.” [audience and Mike chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
That one I think I disagree with. I’ve never met a Canadian that I didn’t love.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I think their assholery goes like… it’s so nice it’s condescending.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s like covert…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah yeah. The covert asshole?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, another related word, “Assholy”: “Using your religious beliefs to justify your jackassery.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
That’s what’s going on right now in every state legislature.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
There’s an “asshoe”, “a hoe who likes doggy style”.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike and audience laugh] Asshoe!
KYLE GETZ
Do you like doggy style?
MIKE JOHNSON
It- I mean, as long as there are no dogs involved, I suppose, yeah. Like- No, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Why not?
KYLE GETZ
If someone has said “Let’s do doggy style” and hold up their canine… [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
I know- I know- I know you- I know you and I disagree a lot about sex stuff and-
KYLE GETZ
Okay… [Kyle and audience chuckle] I say, nervously.
MIKE JOHNSON
I had to- I had to think about it. I answered quickly because I’m nervous, because we’re in front of people.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, okay. No, I don’t like doggy style, and the reason is because, for me, connection is such a part of sex. I need to have access to, like, their eyes and face.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I don’t need connection but I like having access to their eyes and face. That’s weird. We accidentally agree on that. I don’t like doggy style.
MIKE JOHNSON
You don’t?
KYLE GETZ
I think my prostate goes the other way.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ohhh. [Mike chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
And like, it doesn’t-
MIKE JOHNSON
You need dead doggy style. Like- [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
That’s the worst way to describe missionary. Okay-
MIKE JOHNSON
Missionary is dead doggy style! [audience and Mike chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
I… I miss my dog. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] There’s “asshold”: “the act of your girlfriend-” or, I added “or your boyfriend, or your partner…”
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
“the act of your girlfriend withholding anal from you”. “Asshold.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Ohhh.
KYLE GETZ
And there is “askhole”: “A person who constantly asks for your advice, [but] ALWAYS does the … opposite”.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike laughs] Like- That’s what I do to you. I ask you for advice all the time.
KYLE GETZ
Well- [Kyle sighs] I’m always right.
MIKE JOHNSON
No, you’re not.
KYLE GETZ
I disagree. We can take this fight off-pod. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great. Great. Well, I’m gonna- I am gonna talk to you about the history of assholes. That’s a fairly common thing that I do on the show, is talk about the history of something and-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, explain how you’re going to do that with assholes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. I’m gonna talk about the history of your asshole, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle and audience laugh] It was born on a rainy day in April.
MIKE JOHNSON
And mine and the history of everyone’s assholes, because it’s interesting to me that your holes – your mouth and your asshole – started in the same place when you were an embryo. Um, uh, for animals that are at least as complex as earthworms, the embryo forms a dent on one side very, very early on, and that little nugget – that little dent – sort of doughnuts and becomes your mouth and your anus. They come from the same place.
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
And it’s called the blastopore, which I- [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
That’s what I’m calling spit roasting from now.
MIKE JOHNSON
I wanna get to get blastopored please. I knew you would like that.
KYLE GETZ
I love that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, yeah, it’s called the blastopore and then it- There- It has a bunch of stages of development but, basically, your- the hole that is formed is your anus and then it gets deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and then like kind of [Mike tries to make popping sounds] pops out the side – [Mike makes popping sound] that’s what I wanted to do – and forms your mouth.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Just- ‘Cause there are jokes about, like- Have you ever seen the old cartoon of the guy that is like eating a string of sausages and like poop is just coming out? Like, you’re basically-
KYLE GETZ
No, [Kyle chuckles] I haven’t seen that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, you’re basically- Your body is basically just one big machine that turns groceries into sewage, right?
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Sure, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And it comes from the same- the same- the same place.
KYLE GETZ
Huh. I had no idea.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, have you ever heard the phrase “Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one and they all stink.”?
KYLE GETZ
Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
I have two. It turns out that that’s wrong, not everyone has assholes. Some people are born without an anus, it’s called “imperforate anus” and it is- They usually- They can catch it now, like, before the child is born and, uh, but depending on the severity they can, like, give you one.
KYLE GETZ
A manmade asshole?
MIKE JOHNSON
A manmade asshole.
KYLE GETZ
Alright!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Also, “asshole”, just as another word for “anus”, has, I think, the- I don’t- The scientific definition is just… I’m not- I’m not here for it. “Digestive tract waste expulsion opening.”
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle laughs] Fuck me my waste expulsion zone. [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it’s just so clinical sounding, and also kind of wrong. It’s for more than that. We should know.
KYLE GETZ
There’s- Yeah. There’s a pleasure button inside of it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s not for the pooping.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then- Okay, so the etymology of the word “arse” comes from Proto-Germanic, which itself comes from Proto-Indo-European. Like, all of these like bodily function words that we’ve talked about on the show before are super, super ancient. Turns out humans are interested in the way our bodies are and how they work. And, uh- So all of those- All of those terms go way, way back. But the first use of the word “asshole”, that we can prove, is from 1500 and it was used for the body part, not for the person. Just-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay. Was it like Shakespeare or somethin’?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
He just- He just started every word, so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I also think that that’s before Shakespeare, 1500.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Anyway, um… And then it moved next to refer to the worst place in a region. Like, a quote, “The asshole of the world,” or, like-
KYLE GETZ
Like Cleveland.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Florida is the asshole of the US.”
KYLE GETZ
Oh. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
You know. That was the next meaning that asshole turned into.
KYLE GETZ
Huh!
MIKE JOHNSON
And then, uh- That was around by 1865, in print. And then the first use to refer to a contemptible person, the “asshole” definition, the kind that you’re attracted to…
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
I guess you like both kinds too. I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
Eh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Okay. Kind of a bottom, right?
KYLE GETZ
Well, it’s also like… I don’t know what you want me to do with this picture. Like, what the- I don’t see the appeal of like when people send you butt pics.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, got it. Got it.
KYLE GETZ
Do you- Do you like that?
MIKE JOHNSON
Not at first. Like, there are some guys on Grindr or Scruff like that’s how they say “Hello”: “Here is my hole!”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, there’s no words, just hole.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s not cool. That is not cool.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Please- Please ask consent before sending pictures of, really, any part of your body.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I also just don’t… I don’t know. I- I don’t know. I don’t think they’re, like, pretty to look at. Like, I don’t need to see a close up of it, you know?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know. That’s just me.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. The “asshole”, like, to refer to-
KYLE GETZ
Right.
MIKE JOHNSON
-a person who is an asshole, is from 1933. And that seems, to me, way late.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I would have assumed we’ve been calling people “assholes” for a lot longer.
MIKE JOHNSON
I absolutely would have also but, at least according to Etymonline, one of my favorite sites, it was 1933.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Nerd.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, and- But it got- It got- It grew from there, like things do, and was widespread enough that by the 1970s Hustler magazine had their “Asshole of the Month” column and-
KYLE GETZ
Wait, was it- Hustler magaz- Was it a person?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, where they would have- People would write in about their interactions with- encounters of the worst kinds of people.
KYLE GETZ
Gotcha.
MIKE JOHNSON
And one would win the Asshole of the Month and would be then put in Hustler that way. There- Until the early 90s it was on the list of words that you couldn’t say on commercial television in the United States, which I don’t remember that being the case because George Carlin always said it was “cocksucker”, “motherfucker”, “fuck”, “shit”, “cunt”, “cock”, and “pussy”, and “asshole” is not one of those.
KYLE GETZ
They always beep the word “hole”. You know? Like, when they say “asshole”. I don’t understand why, like, “ass” is fine but “hole” is the offensive part of that word.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t understand why they beep anything if we fucking know what you’re saying, right? Like, it’s just- The beep makes it better?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get that at all. Um, but yeah, so that’s sort of the etymology of the word and where it comes from, and I just thought I’d share.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you so much. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] That’s our podcast. Um, I want to tell you a little bit about why – not just me, but – people are attracted to assholes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
So I-
MIKE JOHNSON
Again, the person kind?
KYLE GETZ
The person kind, yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Great.
KYLE GETZ
I- Yeah. Again, I just don’t need that hole pic. Um, there are- Some of the like pop culture magazine, or like articles and stuff, said some of the reasons are they come across as confident.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm. Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
So there are some positive qualities that you may assume a person has if they’re an asshole, and like confidence is one. There’s- A lot of them talked about very shitty masculine traits, or people don’t like men who show any kind of vulnerability or weakness.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
So there was, you know, some of these kind of- the stereotypes of masculinity that people assume from being an asshole.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Um, [Kyle chuckles] a lot of articles talked about the Cruel Intentions – the movie – as like maybe pop culture just trained us to like assholes?
MIKE JOHNSON
Wait…
KYLE GETZ
Did you see Cruel Intentions?
MIKE JOHNSON
Who’s in that movie? Ryan Philippe and… others. Et al. [Kyle chuckles] Uh, Reese Witherspoon and… Selma Blair? Yes. I’m seeing yeses. Thank you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, thank you.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, I did- I did see the movie. I don’t remember assholes being like…
KYLE GETZ
God, he was such an asshole and it was so fuckin’ hot!
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay. Alright. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! No, that’s- It was a perfect example. Um, uh-
MIKE JOHNSON
He was- He’s hot independent of behavior, but-
KYLE GETZ
Yes, but… add that…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
…double doozie.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, it mentioned daddy issues. Okay. But I’m gonna tell you, based on data… well, kind of why assholes tend to get people, romantically.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Let’s do it.
KYLE GETZ
Um, it is a study called “The Role of Overconfidence in Romantic Desirability and Competition” published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, in 2015 by a whole slew of people. It took like 20 researchers to figure out this information. So, in the study-
MIKE JOHNSON
Again, cancer. Let’s work on cancer, everybody. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
You know? Um, uh, people- So some of the studies, that we already have, say that- They- We can’t like actually, objectively measure “asshole” so they used overconfidence as a proxy for asshole. They- What we do know is that people assume other people accurately can self-assess. So when you act overconfident, people just think you’re that good. Like “Oh, they know what they’re talking about. They must…” you know “…belong”, or “…be right”, or whatever. Um, we also know – this really made me mad – in group tasks, overconfidence is seen as more competent than actual competence.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, [Mike chuckles] ask any woman in the modern workplace. [Kyle laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Um, so they asked the question: we know some of that about overconfidence already, but what about in romance? So they did this quiz that I fucking love. This is- It’s called the “Overclaiming Questionnaire” quiz, which, it has you rank all these topics like 1-5, let’s say, on how well you are personally familiar with this topic. One out of every four, they made up. So one out of every- Like, they used the example of “ultralipids” or “sentence stigma” as just made up things.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
So if you, in rating your proficiency in these made up concepts, rate yourself highly, you are seen as overconfident. And so that’s how they judged who these assholes were.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that what’s happening to the word “woke”? Like, they’re just using it-
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle laughs] “I know what that means. Sure.” Yeah, I think so.
MIKE JOHNSON
Confidently fighting against it for, like- What does it mean? Can’t tell ya.
KYLE GETZ
“Ultralipid” sounds real though.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Ultralipid”?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. It’s like a lipid, but more. [Mike chuckles] Um… I don’t know. Okay, so there was no link between overconfidence and romantic desirability, which surprised me. I thought, like, people who are overconfident would get people they want romantically more. And they do, but not for the reasons they think. They are not more romantically desirable. Overconfidence is seen as competent, which is a positive quality which attracts people to it, but it also- some people see it as arrogance, which detracts people, so it nets out even. So they actually don’t attract people more through that. So the reason overconfidence actually works is because it deters competition. When you see an overconfident person talking to, like, who you’re interested in, you’re less likely to go up to them and try to talk to them as well.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
So that’s the reason that overconfident people- That’s why assholes tend to get people more, is because other people aren’t willing to compete against them for the person they’re interested in.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s like when I’m playing pub trivia and if somebody on the team just like confidently says “The answer is x,” and, like, then everybody just kind of… nods.
KYLE GETZ
You’re not even gonna say your dumb answer.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. Exactly.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then, when your dumb answer is the right one, you’re like “That fucker. He-”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Why did he have to do that to me?” It’s the confidence trick.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep. So, people don’t want to compete with overconfident people, and overconfident people are more willing to like put themselves out there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
So, according to the last line of this research study, “overconfidence might not only induce people to place risky bets, but might actually help them win—at least if they are gambling in the game of love.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Aww.
KYLE GETZ
Waw-waw. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Stick to researching, scientists. Um, so that’s the science behind why assholes get more people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Wow!
KYLE GETZ
Why do I like assholes? That’s a different question, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
Is it? Like, what- Is it the confidence?
KYLE GETZ
I think it’s because I’m not going to talk to someone. That would involve me walking up to them and, like, saying stuff to them… I guess that’s [Kyle chuckles] the end of what I would have to do. But I don’t wanna do that. I don’t want to- I don’t want to move and talk. So if any- If someone comes up to me and talks, I will talk back to them. And so, if assholes are the ones that are approaching me, other people are less willing to approach me, than I think that’s… that’s more likely who then I would talk to or find.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hm. Hm. Interesting.
KYLE GETZ
You seem like you would absolutely hate any asshole, and leave.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
Why? Where did that come?
MIKE JOHNSON
‘Cause that’s the right answer. [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I know. God. I don’t know that we’re gonna figure out all my issues through this episode, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, there is definitely something- Like, if there’s a dom/sub dynamic, I think that happens sometimes in this space – Right? – where for the person to so actively discount someone else, their feelings, their- who they are… Like, their- I could see that being like a little bit of a submissive appeal to being around someone who is so dismissive.
KYLE GETZ
But an actual, like, dom/sub dynamic, they are even more attentive to your needs and wants and so they know that what you want is to be treated in a certain way. Like, it’s actually not the lack of caring or worrying what they’re into. It’s really overly-caring what they’re into, and then doing that, and that may mean – you know – like, giving them a lil slap on the face and spittin’ in their mouth or whatever. [Mike laughs] Or- Hypothetically. You know, like, whatever might happen. That actually leads into… Can I tell you about a Dan Savage article?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, I hope you do.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, there was a Savage Love article about why tops are such assholes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
And someone wrote in and said “Why are … tops such assholes?” and he wrote this thing about like “I don’t see why they treat people the way they do. They act like they’re so entitled,” and in the question that said they had a “general callousness toward bottoms or even a delight in the knowledge that it is they who get to ‘use and abuse’ bottoms,” which I think is what you’re talking about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm. Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
And yeah, I don’t think that’s the case in actual, like, dom/sub like relationships, but Dan Savage had on a guest to- [Kyle chuckles] His Instagram handle is @probottom-
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
-so you know he knows what he’s talking about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Talk about confidence!
KYLE GETZ
[Mike and Kyle chuckle] Mitchell, or probottom, said, quote, “From childhood on, men are systematically taught that sex is a matter of instinct instead of intention, … that our dicks are magical wands that bring people satisfaction just by showing ’em off and sticking ’em in people who don’t have one or aren’t using theirs. Gay men aren’t immune to these messages and even reward men who are loyal to straight-passing masculinity.” So there is something- The toxic masculinity that were brought up in absolutely affects gay men. Um, the other part of the answer to this question though is just like… who are you having sex with that doesn’t care what you want or need? Like, who are these asshole tops that you’re sleeping with? Like, you need to advocate for yourself or like fuckin’ kick them out so that they then learn they can’t treat people like that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They also said, on your filters, change it from “Searching for tops” to “Searching for verse tops” because then you get someone who like knows what it’s like to take a dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I think that’s the best advice [Kyle chuckles] that I heard in the whole thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
I heard lots of people say that the way to be a better top is to learn how to bottom, because you gotta know. You have to know.
KYLE GETZ
You gotta know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Everyone, take a dick. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Do it for gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
For science. [Mike and Kyle chuckle] Well, uh, I’m gonna to talk about the other kind of asshole again, a little bit, but like… how to care- how to care- how to care for your asshole, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Umm… so-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I don’t- I don’t do much for my asshole, in the way of care.
MIKE JOHNSON
Really?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t think I- No. I mean, am I supposed to? I wash it.
MIKE JOHNSON
…That’s good.
KYLE GETZ
Thank you. [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s a start.
KYLE GETZ
Am I supposed to do more than that?
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, we heard from Big Dipper- In Sloppy Seconds, we heard Big Dipper talk about he went and got a butt facial.
KYLE GETZ
A butt facial, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, but yeah, uh-
KYLE GETZ
There was a drag queen on stage before, which is why it looked like she exploded. There’s- There’s a little bit of remnants of drag queen here, but she’s fine. She’s alive. She’s doing well. She’s comfortable with her family.
MIKE JOHNSON
So there- A whole industry…
KYLE GETZ
A hole industry.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Spell “whole”. [audience chuckles] Yeah. A whole industry has built up around like caring for assholes.
KYLE GETZ
Asshole [Kyle chuckles] maintenance, aw.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, uh- In an article in The Village Voice, a New York paper, called “Britesmile for Bungholes” – [Kyle chuckles] this was this was in 2005 – was sort of analyzing “Where did this come from?” Where did this, like, whole industry come from?
KYLE GETZ
Why do we feel the need to take care of our butts?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Exactly right. And it came- The best theory is that it came out of an episode of Dr. 90210, on E!, and porn star Tabitha Stevens visited a salon in San Fernando Valley to get her asshole bleached.
KYLE GETZ
Wuh- Imagine being the person that is, like, credited as starting asshole care.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well, so, it already existed or it wouldn’t have been there for her to go to to get this done.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. Right.
MIKE JOHNSON
But that’s when it like, took off.
KYLE GETZ
Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, all of a sudden like every plastic surgeon in the country is looking at anal rejuvenation, anal bleaching, um and all kinds of like products around… butthole care.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Can I- I don’t think I know what “asshole rejuvenation” is.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m glad you… almost asked, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle laughs] “Could you say it in the form of a question?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Sure, so uh, anal rejuvenation is – at least according to Los Angeles Dr. Morel, Zuri Murrell – it is a specialty service offered by proctologist with the goal of repairing any abnormalities and restoring your anal region to its original form. So, there are-
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know-
MIKE JOHNSON
There are a bunch of before and after pictures, [Kyle gasps] that was not what I should be looking at at breakfast this morning. Um, not because the pictures bothered me, but I’m pretty sure that they bothered the waitress.
KYLE GETZ
Oh my god. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but- But uh, over time, due to age, genetics, ill health, and use…
KYLE GETZ
Use! [Kyle chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
The anal muscles stretch and lose their elasticity, and when that happens the sphincter muscles in the anus lose both their shape and their ability to function well, and that’s where this anal rejuvenation procedure is supposed to help. It’s designed to, quote, “spruce up the anus”. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
But like, your- Like, assholes and sphincters are buoyant. They’re- They’re resilient. They spring back pretty quickly. So like, I guess… yeah, over time, maybe? I dunno.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well, and then there’s also- There’s also issues due to conditions like hemorrhoids, anal tags, polyps, skin folds, or anal warts. That is all under the umbrella of annual rejuvenation, getting rid of that.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Cleaning it up.
KYLE GETZ
Those are like, medical- That’s not appearance, those are like medical things you gotta do.
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike sighs] Well, like skin tags are medically benign-
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
-but impact the appearance. But I agree with- I’m not disagreeing with you. Just, for whatever reason, all of that- the appearance of those conditions is part of what anal rejuvenation is supposed to try to help with.
KYLE GETZ
Mm. Mm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, and that’s not to be confused with anal reconstruction, which, this is bespokesurgical.com and they know who their audience is. Their page on anal reconstruction is [Mike chuckles] a shirt dude bending over. Um-
KYLE GETZ
It’s like an Abercrombie ad [Kyle chuckles] from the 2000s. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. And the procedure is supposed to help with dissatisfaction with appearance, loss of control during intercourse or defecation, overuse of the anal muscles, and anal tearing hemorrhoid tissue and extra skin tags. Um, so yeah, there’s a whole industry around like making your butthole look good and it started with this this this porn star in 2005 and very quickly started being used by gay porn stars – bottoms in gay porn – and now it’s an institution.
KYLE GETZ
Hm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Speaking of gay porn stars…
KYLE GETZ
Ooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
[dropping sound] …I dropped my phone. Um, do you remember when we got sent this stuff?
KYLE GETZ
We get sent some shit in the mail that’s-
MIKE JOHNSON
All the time. People send us things all the time, but this is-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I do remember this.
MIKE JOHNSON
-a brand called “Studio Ready”, and this is hot coffee scrub for your butthole and it is, uh-
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Like, wakes up your anus in the morning.
MIKE JOHNSON
It says “This handcrafted scrub contains a precisely blended ratio of cane sugars and natural oils specifically designed to revive and stimulate the skin on your derrière. For a fresher, younger, more moisturized appearance, once a day while showering massage onto your lower region for at least 30 seconds then rinse thoroughly with warm water. Finish with hot perfecting cream.” “Holt”. That’s “Holt”. I’m over 40, I can barely read anymore. Uh, “Finish with Holt perfecting cream.” Do you remember what it smells like?
KYLE GETZ
No… Oh, that smells delicious.
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, exactly. If you want your hole to taste like that, then you use this stuff.
KYLE GETZ
Can you eat it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, I think-
KYLE GETZ
Nope. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] …Oh, it’s got a sugary aftertaste! Oh, that’s not bad!
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, yeah, if anybody’s interested in, like-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, no, it’s still- Ugh. Why’d I-
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t- I can’t stop.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, it’s delicious?
KYLE GETZ
No, it’s bad but it- But there’s like sug-
MIKE JOHNSON
You’re gonna put it on toast now? [Mike laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Fuck you, Nutella, there’s a new game in town, it’s anal rejuvenation. Not edible. [Kyle coughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
I- I, uh- I used it this morning and uh, it was- it was delightful. You know-
KYLE GETZ
You use it!?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Sorry, on your butt? [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
You know that stuff that Bed Bath & Beyond used to have, that was the like sugary like hand stuff, and then the way that your skin would feel after that?
KYLE GETZ
Mm-mm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you know what I’m talking about? Yeah, there’s nods in the audience. That’s good. It’s basically- It’s like that, but that’s what my asshole feels like now, which is pretty- [Mike and Kyle chuckle] which is pretty great.
KYLE GETZ
Do you want to show the audience, or-?
MIKE JOHNSON
No. No.
KYLE GETZ
Oka- [Kyle chuckles] Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean-
KYLE GETZ
Hit Mike up on Grindr…? And-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, maybe late- [Mike laughs] Maybe later.
KYLE GETZ
Do you send asshole pics?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uhm…
KYLE GETZ
Do you take asshole pics?
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own hole, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t, I’ve never done it. I don’t do that.
MIKE JOHNSON
It is- It is- It is not for the weak.
KYLE GETZ
I- Have you tried?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. What you ended up doing is using a timer and sort of like putting your phone on the floor and squatting over it, but none [Kyle chuckles] of them have ever been like pretty enough that I wanted other people to see them.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t think that’s the way you do it! [Mike laughs] I don’t think you should do it that way! Do you want… Do you want- Do you want me to take a picture of your butt? [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely not.
KYLE GETZ
Are you sure? That’s what- Friends take pictures of each other’s holes. [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
They do not. They do not.
KYLE GETZ
I- Mike, I would take a picture of your hole if you wanted me to.
MIKE JOHNSON
I appreciate that, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
My mouth tastes so bad. I should not have eaten that. [audience laughs, Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, you know…
KYLE GETZ
Can I have some more?
MIKE JOHNSON
Life’s a- [Mike and Kyle laugh] Life’s about choices. Umm, yeah. Did you have another segment?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I’m gonna- Um, do you want me to- I have one more thing to talk about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
Move this away from me. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s do it.
KYLE GETZ
It smells very good. Okay-
MIKE JOHNSON
It does. It really, really smells good.
KYLE GETZ
The last thing I’m gonna do is, uh, there is the Reddit- the subreddit “Am I the Asshole?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I’m- I searched for gay questions, so I’m gonna do “Am I the Gay Asshole?” Um, which question should I do? I picked a few. Um, we’ll do the one “Am I the asshole for telling my son he is obviously gay?”
MIKE JOHNSON
…Is there more context?
KYLE GETZ
I mean, already, we’re not off to a great start.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s not a great start, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, this- Their, uh- This mom’s son is 17, male, she said he’s masc-acting – um, so, cool, already gettin’ those lessons – and he “obviously [has] a boyfriend”, which, she said they like sit real close- It sounded adorable. They sit real close to each other, he calls him handsome, they share clothes, and he is-
MIKE JOHNSON
At first I was thinking bromance, and then, like, you kept going.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah. They, like, close the door when their alone.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. They could be just broin’ it up, just video games.
MIKE JOHNSON
You never know.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, sure. I need the door closed for my… I don’t h- I don’t know any video games. [audience chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Alien…
MIKE JOHNSON
Smash Brothers?
KYLE GETZ
…shooters? Sure. [audience laughs] Um- Uh-
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s the- We have a gamer in our Discord server who likes to say that, like, he goes to a video game sex party. So they Smash Bros and then they smash bros. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
KYLE GETZ
That’s hot. I could play that game. Do I have to play the game though? Um, okay, so she said, quote, “Today I asked my son if was going to invite his boyfriend on our trip,” – he’s not out, has not labelled him as such – “and he got awkward and said ‘that’s not funny’, I asked what he meant and he said ‘Im straight, that’s not funny’ I laughed”…
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh…
KYLE GETZ
…“and when I realized he was serious I [started] laughing even harder.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
Um, she told him he was very obviously in a relationship with this guy and he was bad at hiding it. Um, apparently he got emotional [Mike laughs] for some reason, and said not to tell his dad and then he got upset, and he hasn’t- he hasn’t talked to her in a couple days. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Well Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, how do you feel about uh… this mom specifically, but more in general what you would have done in that situation?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, if I were her or him?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I mean, I guess either one, but-
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean… first of all- Any context whatsoever, any two people, you do not ever have the right to tell somebody what their sexuality is, especially when they have told you what it is. And, just, until they say differently, that is the truth.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
You can have all of the conjecture, private thoughts that you want, but don’t you dare ever tell somebody else what their sexual orientation is, what their gender is, that’s just not how shit works.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That makes you an asshole.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. She’s absolutely the asshole. And, um… when she laughed at her son, that was horrifying. Yeah. So, other ways she could have handled this. One: not be an asshole. That would have helped.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
KYLE GETZ
Um, but two: you make it known that it’s, like, “I accept LGBT people.” Like, you know, you say it in a casual way. Show LGBT media and show support so that your son feels comfortable coming out to you, instead of forcing them out yourself.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Everyone deserves to have the right to come out when and where they want.
MIKE JOHNSON
The time, manner, and place of their own choosing. Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. That’s “Am I the Gay Asshole?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great, great, great. Uh, so be thinking about your Gayest & Straightest, y’all, because we’re gonna do that here in just a little bit for coffee mugs. I forgot, I have two coffee mugs. I also have uh, big stickers, if you want a big-
KYLE GETZ
Ooo.
MIKE JOHNSON
-a big sticker you can have one. There’s little stickers that everyone can have, down here on the end of the stage too, feel free to take one and, uh, I don’t know, piss off a Republican with them. Put them onto their car.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Oh no.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, yeah, so, for reasons I don’t- I still don’t understand, when you-
KYLE GETZ
We just do things one time and then we just kind of always do that, so-
MIKE JOHNSON
We take shots during our live show breaks. Uh-
KYLE GETZ
What did you bring?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, at this time I brought you – from our friends at Ole Smoky Moonshine-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, that’ll wash the taste of coffee asshole scrub-
MIKE JOHNSON
It absolutely should.
KYLE GETZ
-off my mouth.
MIKE JOHNSON
If it doesn’t- If it doesn’t burn your face hole going in there. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, this one is apple pie, this one is cinnamon- dynamite cinnamon flavored, and this one is Blackberry. Which one would you like, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
I want dynamite cinnamon.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That sounds bomb.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. I’m gonna-
KYLE GETZ
This is more than one shot.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m gonna go with blackberry, but um- Uh, yeah, do you wanna take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Let’s take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break.
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
KYLE GETZ
Cheers.
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you ready for this?
KYLE GETZ
No.
MIKE JOHNSON
Cheers.
KYLE GETZ
Ey! I liked the scrub better.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh!
KYLE GETZ
Eugh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh!
KYLE GETZ
How is yours?
MIKE JOHNSON
[Mike smacks his lips a few times] It tastes, um, maybe a pop tart? It’s delicious.
KYLE GETZ
Mine tastes like a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you want this one, to get rid of the taste of that one? I brought three, so you have a choice.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I’ll sip on this one.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
What is this one, again?
MIKE JOHNSON
Excellent.
KYLE GETZ
Ole Smoky Moonshine. Cool, that’ll wash this right down.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s apple pie flavored.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Oh, okay. Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Apple pie flavored.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, are you ready?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So are we back?
KYLE GETZ
We’re back!
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re back!
KYLE GETZ
Um, we are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, next week is our sixth birthday. We are turning six, so be sure to tune in for our- [audience applauds] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Which is about five and a half years longer than I thought we would be doing this [Kyle laughs] but, uh- So tune in for that. We’re gonna have a birthday extravaganza next week. And um, yeah. That’s all I have in that department.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you have anything to add?
KYLE GETZ
No, I’m just trying to keep it together because of the various things I’ve ingested. [Kyle chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Alright. Uh, do you want me to do my- Oh, we’re gonna do our contact information.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
We are on socials, @gayishpodcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Our hotline, you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails, is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
This one isn’t helping.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well-
KYLE GETZ
They’re just- It’s all just mixing into a form like a- Um, uh, our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com?
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109.
KYLE GETZ
…Oh, go for it. Get it. What’d you think?
MIKE JOHNSON
Not as good as the blueberry.
KYLE GETZ
No, I think you got the right one. Okay, um, Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest. The straightest thing about me this week is playing pool with you last night.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
We went out to Somewhere Bar, which is a cowboy bar. Uh, it’s a gay bar but has pool, which, Madison Pub, in Seattle, similar vibes, right? It’s a sports bar but for gays. Anyway, yeah, I haven’t played pool in a long-ass time and, like, it felt-
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Yeah, it showed. [Mike and audience laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
You did win both times, in the unsatisfying way.
KYLE GETZ
Well, but I won because- Yeah, it was so annoying ‘cause I was gonna win but then you knocked in the 8 ball. I think you did that out of spite because you didn’t want me to win for real. [audience chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
I-
KYLE GETZ
I don’t think you’re that- Actually, I don’t think you’re good enough to have planned that. [Kyle and audience chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
I also scratched when all I had left was the 8 ball, thank you. That’s the other way I lost.
KYLE GETZ
[Kyle chuckles] Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but yeah, playing pool with you. And then the gayest thing about me this week is just the way that I packed for this trip here to Boise. Last night’s shirt was my daddy shirt. It says “Daddy” in a sports logo across the front of it. And then this one, which is my “Emotional support top” shirt that I got as a Christmas gift from a listener. So.
KYLE GETZ
Um, my straightest is when I was walking on the flight, there was a like retired military gentleman standing to the side waiting and I did like the bro nod at him. Like, I don’t know him, I don’t respect the military or any- I don’t know why I suddenly was like “Sir.” Like, I don’t know what- I just- [Mike laughs] Like, the- Like the dude bro nod towards- I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
I would love to see you just, like, spontaneously salute, someday. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
This is offensive, I’m sure. I’m sure I have to be some level to do this to you. Uh, my gayest is that after we were planning for this show we went home and we were gonna like keep going, and instead of doing that I got on Sniffies all night.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. [Mike laughs] The dating apps are kind of interesting here in Boise.
KYLE GETZ
You get on them the second any plane lands, sometimes even before.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sometimes before the plane lands!
KYLE GETZ
How- How’s the- How’s the scene? How’s Grindin’?
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh… surprising. Like, Boise is surprisingly chill and cool, and very visibly queer. I don’t know if that’s because it’s Treefort or if it’s just like that all the time but, um, Boise’s great.
KYLE GETZ
It’s like that all the time? That’s cool.
MIKE JOHNSON
And yeah, and Grindr seems pretty, like, I dunno, open?
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
And people show their faces and chat, and, like, when I go home to Yakima County there’s like headless torsos and no picture at all all over the place.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s not the case here.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. I was kicked off Grindr, so…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah you were.
KYLE GETZ
Um, does anyone wanna share their Gayest & Straightest? Um- Please come up to the mic so we can get it-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, come up to the mic so we get it on the show, and then-
KYLE GETZ
And then you’ll get a mug for being amongst the first.
DANNY
Very short mic though.
KYLE GETZ
Um- Yeah. [Kyle chuckles] Say your name. If you want to say your pronouns you can, uh, where you’re from, and your Gayest & Straightest.
DANNY
Um, so I’m Danny. There we go. Um, he/him and I’m from here. Uh, the gayest thing I’ve done this week: I’ve been writing a adult comic about gay trans cowboys.
KYLE GETZ
Yeaaah! [Mike chuckles]
DANNY
Been doing a lot of research for that. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] Um, and the straightest thing I did this week is I went to Home Depot. [Kyle laughs, audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Excellent. Round of applause.
KYLE GETZ
That’s amazing. You get a-
MIKE JOHNSON
Would you like a mug or a sticker?
KYLE GETZ
Grab a mug.
DANNY
Yes, I would love a mug.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Excellent. I got one mug left, so if you want- if you want that, then uh-
KYLE GETZ
Someone over here raise their hand… Oh, yeah, come on up!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah.
EM
Uh, my name is Em and I do she/they, um and the gayest thing I did this week was: I got to go on my first nonbinary date with another AFAB, and they’re also like she/they, and not quite sure where we’re at. So it was really cool to make that connection.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s amazing.
EM
And then the straightest thing I did was, on Wednesday night when I got home and I was really tired from Treefort, I still gave my boyfriend a hand job instead of just going straight to bed. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh] [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s fantastic. [Mike laughs] [Kyle sighs] Anyone else want to share? We’ve got stickers… Okay, great, excellent.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, if you didn’t give someone a hand job though, like- [audience laughs] Well-
ERNESTO
Not this week
KYLE GETZ
Not this week. Okay. [Kyle laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Day isn’t over yet, Kyle. Come on now.
ERNESTO
My name is Ernesto. I go as- I identify as he/him. Um, I guess the gayest thing that I would have done this week would be confronting a gay podcaster that I- at the at the gay club, actually – The Balcony – and then – not sponsored [Mike and Kyle laugh] – and then the straightest thing for me, I guess, would be doing an oil change on a car.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaaah.
KYLE GETZ
Wooow!
ERNESTO
Very heterosexual, I guess.
KYLE GETZ
That’s impressive. [Ernesto chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know how to do that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Anything butch, like automotive repair, totally, totally, totally counts. Excellent.
KYLE GETZ
That’s very impressive. [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
DEREK
Um, I’m Derek, he/him. The gayest thing I did was – every day before I leave – making sure my wife thinks I look cool. [Mike and Kyle laugh] Uh, doing outfit checks. Uh, the straightest thing is being a white dude at a podcast fest- working at a podcast festival. And I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. [Mike and Kyle laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Nice. [audience applauds]
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, well, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for being here. Really appreciate your time and attention. Um, a big thank you to Treefort, especially Alicia who’s been absolutely fantastic to work with. [audience applauds] Uh, thanks to all of y’all that shared your Gayest & Straightest too. Really appreciate that.
KYLE GETZ
I appreciate Treefort doing Dragfort this year. It’s extremely important that that kept going this year, and it- I went to The Balcony last night, it was incredible. Uh, go tonight. It’s going to continue to be incredible, but I’m very glad you all continue to do that and continue to celebrate drag.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, also, thank you to the people who give us the most money, we care about you more than anyone, our Super Gap Bridgers. Thank you to Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeaah! That is it. This has been Gayish, from the Treefort Music Festival in Boise, Idaho, and the Chris Khachatourians studios. I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
See you next week.
KYLE GETZ
Byeee. [audience applauds]
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
MIKE JOHNSON
Grab a sticker. They’re up here on the- on the stage. And if you want to smell what my hole smells like, here’s this stuff. [Mike, Kyle, and audience laugh]
[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]