Wheeeee! This episode is a roller coaster in and of itself as we talk about Britney Spears, Catherine the Great, Moulin Rouge, Australian daddy bears, euthanasia, and arrested development. Remember, never be a roller coaster!
In this episode: News- 1:10 || Main Topic (Roller Coasters)- 11:54 || Gayest & Straightest- 1:02:29
On the weekly bonus Patreon segment, we talk about gender stereotypes in roller coaster and how Polly Pocket helped to break them. Get lots of great perks and support the show by joining at www.patreon.com/gayishpodcast.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
INTRO MUSIC [MIKE JOHNSON SINGING]
When you know that you are queer but your favorite drink is beer, that’s Gayish. You can bottom without stopping but you can’t stand going shopping, that’s Gayish. Oh, Gayish. You’re probably Gayish. Oh life’s just too short for narrow stereotypes. Oh, it’s Gayish. We’re all so Gayish. It’s Gayish with Mike and Kyle.
MIKE JOHNSON
Click, click, click, click, click, click, click! Hellooooo, everyone in the podcast universe, this is Gayish.
KYLE GETZ
That won’t make sense until- Um, the podcast that’s basically verbal exhibitionism.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, heheh, look at my dick!
KYLE GETZ
Wow!
MIKE JOHNSON
Listen to my dick. I don’t- [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Wait, let’s all listen to Mike’s dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
…Roar. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
That’s what the Katy Perry song, Roar, is about.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, I’m Mike Johnson.
KYLE GETZ
I’m Kyle Getz.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we’re here to bridge the gap between sexuality and actuality. And today…
KYLE GETZ
Today…
MIKE JOHNSON
Best episode ever already, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
So far. Uh, we’re gonna talk about roller coasters.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna talk about roller coasters.
KYLE GETZ
As requested…
MIKE JOHNSON
By Gap Bridger John Crawley.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, but first…
KYLE GETZ
But first…
MIKE JOHNSON
Here’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
Damn getting fuckin’ into it. [Mike chuckles] We got shit to do, we got places to be, we got rides to ride.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole it’s time for your ear holes, news, news, news.
Okay, news the first: this uh, “Angela Bassett did the thing” rap [Kyle laughs] is like very funny to me.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And uh, it’s amazing, so maybe we should find a clip of it so that it actually makes sense, because I have not heard the rap yet.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
But apparently Ariana DeBose – and I don’t know who that is, except that she’s queer – um…
KYLE GETZ
And an Oscar award winner, apparently.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yep. And, um, she did a rap at the BAFTA awards, and in that includes the line “Angela Bassett did the thing,” and then Lizzo brought it up at her concert just a couple of nights later, and then Angela Bassett, who won a NAACP Image Award, then said “I guess I did the thing.” So “Angela Bassett did the thing” is now- Like, gay Twitter is like up in arms about how amazing it is, and campy, and like- But apparently the rap itself is like, kind of hard to watch because it’s cringy.
KYLE GETZ
That entire thing- Like, this trend was a roller coaster in and of itself. It was like, “Eugh.” It was weird. Some people were like having fun with it in the audience, some weren’t, then it like came back around and everyone was like “You know what? This is so bad it’s cool now.” Like, it’s- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well- And so- Like, the bad part included Ariana DeBose deactivating her Twitter.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, because people hated it that much, I guess.
KYLE GETZ
God, that is my worst fear; like I take a big risk and everyone’s like “Oh, you did very bad and we all hate it,” and then I would also be like “Okay, I’m not on any social anymore. Bye.”
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s interesting, because you would think, like- I don’t know. Haters are gonna hate no matter what, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. That’s what Taylor Swift has been saying all along.
MIKE JOHNSON
[quietly] [chuckles] Goddammit, fuck her. [both laugh] Uh, yeah, so- Yeah, it was- Yeah. Last Sunday, she did the thing, on Monday deactivated her Twitter, and then on Saturday then on the radio she did a radio interview and said “Gay Twitter seemed to like it.” But yeah. Anyway, It’s a happy ending. Let’s hear that rep, and then we- Yeah, here we go.
KYLE GETZ
Wait, we waited to play it just then?
MIKE JOHNSON
Nah, you can play whenever you want to. I don’t care.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
Angela Basset did the thing. Viola Davis, my Woman King. Blanchett, Cate, you’re a genius, and Jamie Lee, you are all of us!
MIKE JOHNSON
News the second. Oh, I’m doing a shit sandwich today, so are you ready-
KYLE GETZ
Ohh. Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you ready for the shit part?
KYLE GETZ
Mm, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah? We gotta talk about this law that they’re considering in Florida. So basically, in a nutshell, this bill, which is House Bill 991, introduced by Florida Representative Alex Andrade, a Republican, fuckin’ shocker-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
-and they are changing the state’s defamation laws in such a way that, basically, accusing someone else of homophobia or transphobia is defamation.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, I saw- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. So if you do something homophobic, like, uh, I don’t know, kick me out of your cake shop because you don’t want to make no gay wedding cakes, and then I say “That’s homophobic,” you can now sue me for $35,000 or more under this new law because calling you homophobic is illegal. Now, every first amendment lawyer in the country that has weighed in on this so far has said there’s absolutely fucking no way that this is constitutional, but they’re trying it anyway.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, they love the First Amendment unless it’s something that they don’t- unless they don’t like it, then- You know? Like, it’s just nothing- They don’t- They have no policies, or values, or anything. They’re just devoid of any kind of caring, or value, or-
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know. I’m just so over every Republican.
MIKE JOHNSON
And this this bill goes slightly further even, and makes it more problematic perhaps, constitutionally, by saying that the truth of the statement does not matter.
KYLE GETZ
Hm.
MIKE JOHNSON
If you did actual homophobic shit, and I call you homophobic, I’m in the wrong under the terms of this bill, if it moves forward.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, my God, they care about truth now?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, well, you know. And it’s the same thing, like- Like, white people, they hate being called racist more than they hate racism.
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
They hate being called homophobic more than they hate homophobia.
KYLE GETZ
Republicans and white people, like, want to be oppressed so badly. [Mike laughs] They want the- Like, they think being oppressed is like cool or hip now, and they believe that they’re- they don’t understand act what it actually feels like, so they think that being called a name once is what oppression is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. Yep.
KYLE GETZ
So they’re like “No, no, no, I’m the oppressed one because you called me a name.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Right. Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Like, it’s just not- You don’t- You don’t get- You don’t know what this feels like or is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep, and it’s like the only way they want to be Christlike is to be a martyr. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, without actually doing like good shit or caring about people.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. [sighs] Yeah, it’s- it’s really- It’s really, really fucked up.
KYLE GETZ
Do you think some of our Republican listeners still listen? Do you think they’ve made it here?
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Hi!
KYLE GETZ
We had quite a few. We had quite a few that made- uh, when we did our survey, that it left notes saying that like they don’t like this part of the show, and- [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Oh yeah. I mean, make your party stop being shitty to us. Like, I think that’s- I think you gotta fix it, not us.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. Yep. You religious folks out there that hate the things we say about religion, make your religion not suck.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, Republicans that listen to us, why? [Kyle laughs] But also, make your party not suck.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Matthew Schafer, the media law chair for the New York City Bar Association, tweeted, quote, “I’ve been practicing First Amendment law for about ten years. I’ve never seen anything like this proposed Florida law & this section in particular. This is precisely the concern of rolling back limits on libel. States will use libel to bend the public dialogue to their own will.” And that’s- that’s what’s going on. That’s the- The undercurrent of all of this is being able to control what people say, and I think this this goes back to this thing that’s come up on the show a few times here recently, of, like, they know that they have lost the hearts and minds of the country, and they’re gonna go out kicking and screaming, and kicking and screaming they are.
KYLE GETZ
This is what I will say for Republicans: they use every available avenue. And so, go the legal route, fine. Go- You know, whatever option they have they will exploit it to as far as they can.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
So-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, and DeSantis needs points because he’s running for president, so the more like ridiculous like right-wing pandering, drum up bullshit, anger, fearmongering he can do…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
This is a good avenue for that.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Fuck that guy, fuck that state, fuck everything, Kyle!
KYLE GETZ
Fuck everything!
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m in a mood. I- Let’s make the episode a roller coaster in and of itself, and this is- this is the scary part, or the part- I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
Right before we drop, or…?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, we’re gonna scream and have fun now.
KYLE GETZ
Okay!
MIKE JOHNSON
News the third!
KYLE GETZ
Waaaaa!
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Uh, Gucci!
KYLE GETZ
Okay! [chuckles] Sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gucci has released a new campaign promoting their fragrance called “Guilty”, and the new-
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Spokesperson: Donald Trump.
MIKE JOHNSON
Spokesperson: Elliott Page!
KYLE GETZ
Shut the fuck up!
MIKE JOHNSON
Elliot Page is the new face of Gucci. His fans are, of course, really excited about it. He will appear across their upcoming campaign, to be released in March, so coming up here in a couple of weeks, but the brand did release a teaser on their Instagram, and he will start alongside, uh… A-Dollar-Sign-AP Rocky… and Julia Garner.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know who A$AP Rocky is.
KYLE GETZ
No, no, no, it’s “A-Dollar-Sign-AP”. You were right the first time.
MIKE JOHNSON
Kee-Dollar-Sign-ha. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Ke-Dollar-Sign-ha. There’s no dollar sign in it anymore.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
She’s an adult now.
MIKE JOHNSON
Has she [chuckles] considered putting it back?
KYLE GETZ
Maybe. Uh, we’re all waiting for the Kesha renaissance, when the dollar sign comes back.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Oh, God. Anyway, he’s absolutely adorable. He appears in a Hawaiian shirt, makin’ eyes at the camera, and I’m here for it. And uh, he also released- He also announced last year that he’s going to be releasing a memoir.
KYLE GETZ
Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s coming up this June, just in time for pride, and it’s called Pageboy, and he said, quote, “Writing a book has come up a few times over the years, but it never felt right and quite frankly, it didn’t feel possible. I could barely sit still, let alone focus long enough to complete such a task.” But, like a lot of trans folks encounter, like coming out the other side of transition and living more authentically, he said, quote, “I can [finally] be with myself, in this body [and] share [that] … story with [the world]”. So, yeah! And, of course, Umbrella Academy is still going, I guess. He just-
KYLE GETZ
Is it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. The last season was good. I enjoyed it.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I haven’t-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Anyway, just, like, Elliott Page is a rock star, and crushing it, and now is like- his face is gonna be the face of Gucci, which I think is just so fuckin’ cool.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, that level of visibility for trans people, especially transmasculine people. I feel that, like, transfeminine people have had more visibility lately in like media, like a lot more actresses and appearances like that. There- I feel like there are less transmasc folks in like mainstream media, and he’s a major exception to that, which is pretty great.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s the news!
KYLE GETZ
That’s the news! Um, well, we are all caught up on our Patreon naming, so thank you to John Crawley for requesting this episode. We’ll just keep thanking you a whole bunch.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
If you want to have us do an episode, if we haven’t done an episode topic, then pay us.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah!
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Give us money and we’ll do your topic!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
So if you- And if you want bonus episodes, bonus content, support us, help us do things like maybe do a tour, help us do more shit, then go to patreon.com/gayishpodcast. It’s fun.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah! And hey!
KYLE GETZ
Hey!
MIKE JOHNSON
If we owe you stuff, tell us.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
If you’re a Gap Bridger and we haven’t had our little chat about what you want your episode to be… like, call me.
KYLE GETZ
Yea- Call- Yeah. [both laughs] And, uh, check your Patreon messages, because we always hear people say like “Oh, I didn’t know there was a message function on Patreon.” Yeah, there is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, there is, open that app.
KYLE GETZ
Open that app. Do you want to talk about roller coasters?
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s about roller coasters and- I was gonna talk about the history of roller coasters.
KYLE GETZ
No- Wait.
MIKE JOHNSON
And you said you’re gonna start with something.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] What?
So, guys, I just want you to know, if I shut down my Instagram do not call the cops. Don’t ever be a roller coaster! [Mike laughs at the clip] I got this dress as well. Never be a roller coaster!
MIKE JOHNSON
What? What? What did I j- What did I just watch? Okay-
KYLE GETZ
You watched an avant-garde film, created and produced by Britney Spears. That was an Instagram video that Britney Spears posted at- like, four days ago, and I was watching it because I watched everything because I’m just, like, I’m fascinated and obsess-
MIKE JOHNSON
You’re you. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Because I’m me, as we all know. And then she screamed, “Don’t be a roller coaster!” She runs across the screen and I was like “How does she know we’re doing this episode this week?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I swear, we- Like, we’ve been doing episodes and then all of a sudden something will come up in the news about that topic, and like, it’s just- It’s just- Life wants us to do this podcast.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. Or, we hired somebody that makes us have our shit together.
KYLE GETZ
John Crawley hired us to do this!
MIKE JOHNSON
Well that’s true, yeah. Um, uh, okay. Okay. I have many questions, can I ask- can I ask them now?
KYLE GETZ
Sure. Yeah, sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
What the fuck?
KYLE GETZ
Yes, correct. [both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
Great.
KYLE GETZ
One, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. Number two: do you realize that you had to turn the phone around and show me who was speaking for me to know it was Britney Spears-
KYLE GETZ
Absolutely
MIKE JOHNSON
-because of whatever fucked up cockamamie accent that was?
KYLE GETZ
Yes, I do know that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Has she had a recent head injury? Because there is a thing where, like, people will sometimes get hit in the head with a heavy object and then wake up with an accent or the ability to speak a language that they didn’t know that they could speak.
KYLE GETZ
As we know from the Scream & Shout song-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
-she sometimes goes British.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
So there is history here.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
This is not a new thing.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, Madonna kind of did that too, a little bit, and maybe that’s like some kind of communicable disease that happens among pop stars. [laughs] Britishness.
KYLE GETZ
Yes. I- [chuckles] I was thinking it was an homage. I think- I think Britney is, you know, just kind of channeling her Madonna, and-
MIKE JOHNSON
Everyone, socially distance from your pop stars, because you might end up British. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Um, she also mentioned, she shut down her Instagram and people-
MIKE JOHNSON
Called the cops?
KYLE GETZ
-called the cops on her.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
She, uh- Apparently the media, not too long ago, reported that she was dead, and so she made her post that was like “I’m not dead.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And anyway, that entire video was a roller coaster ride if you really think about it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely. And- Okay. And then, number three…
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
I assume she has lots of clothes. Nothing seemed particularly amazing about that dress, but, like, she seems very excited.
MA JOHNSON
She was very excited!
MIKE JOHNSON
I- Okay. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
You’re allowed to be excited about your new dress.
MIKE JOHNSON
I mean, I like it when people send me shit.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s fun.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah! Post Office Box 1988…5?
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] 19882, Kyle!
KYLE GETZ
Seattle, Washington 98…109
MIKE JOHNSON
98109. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Send us a dress.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, postage required. Okay. I thought I liked roller coasters, until you subjected me to this video that we just watched.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] This ruined roller coasters for you?
MIKE JOHNSON
How do you feel about roller coasters?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, um, I like ‘em!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They’re fun! I have not been on- I cannot think of the last time I was on a roller coaster or at an amusement park, so it’s not something I like go and do, but I love roller coasters. They’re a blast.
MIKE JOHNSON
I haven’t- I agree. I really enjoy amusement rides in general, and, um, especially when I was younger. Like, I loved going to the fair and like almost dying on those super dangerous carnie rides.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Mhm.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, um- [quietly] Can we say “carnie”?
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know. That does feel like, vaguely, like-
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Racist?
KYLE GETZ
-offensive, but I’m not sure why. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, yeah. Uh, “amusement park operators” I guess? [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
But yeah, like, I used to love the Zipper, which is not a roller coaster, but I-
KYLE GETZ
I don’t know what that is.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s the one where, like, you’re in a car and it spins around but it also moves around a big thing that moves around.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, like the tea kettles? Not the kettle… teacups!
MIKE JOHNSON
Except, in the air. Not on the ground; up in the air.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhhhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
So you do lots of like- I don’t know, it feels like you’re gonna maybe vomit?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I have not vomited. Do you get motion sick?
KYLE GETZ
No.
MIKE JOHNSON
They don’t make you feel ill or anything?
KYLE GETZ
No. Do you?
MIKE JOHNSON
No, I do- I do pretty great. I’m really fortunate that way. I can like read a book in a car, and I know a lot of people are probably like-
KYLE GETZ
Me too. I didn’t know that was the thing people didn’t- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
I did not know this topic was gay until…
MIKE JOHNSON
…John told us that?
KYLE GETZ
Until John told us that. And since then, I’ve brought it up a couple times to different people, and, like, it’s the weirdest thing. I think this is like one of the weirdest topics we’ve done, because like one in five of your gay friends will be, like, either- I’ve not met any- I’ve not said this to someone and then like “Oh yeah, I’m a big coasterhead” or whatever, but, like, people I bring this up to are like “Oh, I know a roller coaster gay,” or like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, every few people is like, “Oh, absolutely, it’s a gay thing.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And I had no idea about that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, mean neither. And we- We had- Just at dinner last night, we saw a couple of coaster gays on social media, who are hot.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. Mhm, mhm, there are some hot coaster gay- I would- I could- I could get into roller coasters for a hot guy, you know?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Like, I’d be fine faking it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Get railed on the rails?
KYLE GETZ
[both chuckle] Ride them rails.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, oh yeah, I’m gonna talk to you about the history of roller coasters. Basically, it’s Russia’s fault.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Just like- Just like everything else, but-
KYLE GETZ
Just like World War III.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, um- No- So, apparently, the origins of rollercoasters are usually traced back to 18th century Russia, and these ice slides that they made. Course, you know-
KYLE GETZ
Haha, that’s the most Russian-sounding thing I’ve ever heard.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Like a human luge?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, s-
KYLE GETZ
I guess that’s just a luge.
MIKE JOHNSON
They would take hills of snow and they would add wooden support beams to them so that they didn’t kill anybody – mostly – and then they would sled or wheel carts down these snowbanks. So it was like advanced snow sledding, Russian style. Then it, of course, moved on from that to have mostly railroad tracks, and they would build the whole thing out of wood and not require the ice part. Those were all called “Russian mountains”, these hills of ice that they threw people off [Kyle chuckles] in a controlled way, which is important only because, it other languages, the word for rollercoaster is “Russian mountain”.
KYLE GETZ
Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, like Spanish “la montaña rusa”. And, anyway- But then, the Russian term for roller coaster is “American mountain”, “американские горки”, [TN: Romanized, “amerikanskiye gorki”] so-
KYLE GETZ
Huh. Why do they call it after us, when they did it?
MIKE JOHNSON
Because, although it has its origins in Europe, Americans did the coaster thing fucking ballistic, huge-style.
KYLE GETZ
They were like “We can build a taller thing,” because that’s like all we care about is like… can we make a bigger version of whatever?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, exactly right. Exactly right. Apparently- So, Catherine the Great really liked these things and had one of these, like, snow slide things built at one of her palaces-
KYLE GETZ
Believe it or not, I did not think Catherine the Great was gonna come up this episode!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, me neither! Did you know, she fuuucked.
KYLE GETZ
Really? [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes, yes.
KYLE GETZ
On the coaster?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, I don’t know about that. Maybe.
KYLE GETZ
On the snow slide?
MIKE JOHNSON
Maybe. Maybe! I wouldn’t put it past her.
KYLE GETZ
She was sliding down that dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
But yeah, she’s like well-known for just like bangin’ her way across Europe, and, um-
KYLE GETZ
Wow, feminism!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah. It’s actually- It’s really intense, to me. Her sex life was like, pretty great, and may or may not have been bisexual. That’s-
KYLE GETZ
Ohh!
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s disputed. Um, you know- But history has this way of filtering out all of the queer shit.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And uh, so are we remember is like the list of dudes that she fucked and then gave positions to in the government, [Kyle chuckles] but also that also may have included not just dudes.
KYLE GETZ
Huh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, more on that mystery later, I think. I don’t know.
KYLE GETZ
Really?
MIKE JOHNSON
No.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, Okay. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, so there’s also a influence from roller coaster- for roller coasters of, there was this mining company called the “Mauch Chunk Railroad” and they built a railway just to get coal out of a mine so that, you know, like, they put the coal in the cart and send it- send it on its way. They ran out of coal, so like, “What the fuck do we do now? We’ve got this like massive-ass railroad that we built,” so about a year after the coal mine closed, they started just like charging people money to ride the coal miner carts around, and it turned out that people fuckin’ loved it!
KYLE GETZ
That makes sense. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, that- It was- They were individually, like, driven by a brakeman who would like safely- You know, so people couldn’t just go as fast as they wanted to or whatever. And- But yeah, so it was very, very popular, and that popularity then led to “Like, let’s invest money and make these things ridiculous,” and that’s when you start seeing like loop de loops and a whole bunch of stuff. Coney Island had a bunch of attractions, and, you know, pushed the idea of rides and roller coasters into the American consciousness. About the same time, over in Europe though, and this is where- I told you, when we were planning for the episode, that I was gonna wildly speculate about the sexuality of some people. So first, Catherine the Great, but second, this guy named Joseph Oller, and uh, he built Les Montagnes Russes à Belleville. Uh, that’s my best French attempt, everyone. But it was a permanent roller coaster that was 200 meters long, and it was in the form of a double eight, and later they built onto it more-
KYLE GETZ
16.
MIKE JOHNSON
-and made four figure eight-shaped loops. But anyway, this dude, Joseph Oller- And I think I’m saying that right, because he was actually Spanish. Or, he was- He’s from Catalonia. But he was super into rollercoasters, built this giant-ass cool roller coaster in in Paris, but also, he, as far as I can tell, never married, died alone, and he- and this dude, Charles Zidler, also never married, died alone, are the ones that are opened the famous cabaret Moulin Rouge.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh, Moulin Rouge had to be started by a gay dude.
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s- That’s the- This is my wild speculation, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. That’s not so wild, that’s- I think that’s just regular speculation at that point.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our intense fascination with theater, especially if it’s kind of naked, was born. [Kyle laughs] Um, yeah. Yeah. So this- The dude that started Moulin Rouge also was super into roller coasters and built a really big famous one in Paris, and I’m, just, I’m calling it now: he’s super gay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Umm, let’s see… But yeah, like I said, Americans were the ones that really took it to the next level, but the Great Depression sort of stopped that. Like a lot of things – you know – the Great Depression killed the momentum, because people didn’t have the money to spend on amusement park rides, and there was just less disposable income.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then it sort of came back. The Wikipedia article anyway, says 1972 is when like the modern era started, when The Racer opened – that’s the name of a roller coaster – opened at Kings Island Amusement Park in Ohio. So, all of those roller coasters were built out of wood, wood roller coasters, with like some support from other materials, but the whole history of roller coasters is primarily wooden, freestanding roller coasters. And uh- But Disneyland gets the credit for using steel. So, in 1959, they started- that’s when the Matterhorn started – the Matterhorn Bobsleds – and that was the first roller coaster that used a tubular steel track, which, that let you do things like cork screws and go in wacky weird directions, because wood can only bend so much and maintain its strength, but Disneyland is like this pioneer in making steel tracks that could do the more like crazy movements and at that higher velocity. And so, I don’t know. I don’t think of- When I think about roller coasters, I think of, like, Six Flags or whatever. I don’t really think of Disneyland, because of all of like the shit that’s on it. Like, technically, Pirates of the Caribbean… [TN: like “cuh-RIB-be-an] Caribbean?… [TN: like “care-ib-BEE-an”] Caribbean… [TN: Like “cuh-RIB-be-an” again] that ride is a is a roller coaster… sort of, right? Like, there’s a couple of drops to it. Anyway… I’m trying to- I’m trying to figure out, like, what the fuck- Like, how do you make the- What’s the difference between a ride and a roller coaster?
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And, um- But Disneyland definitely has both. Like, Space Mountain is a roller coaster in the dark.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. But you’re right, I think of Disney as like, bigger- like, roller coasters are a thing that is available there, and there’s a bunch of other shit that they do. Uh, yeah, you’re right, I think of Six Flags, I think of that kind of amusement park.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. Well, Disney gets a lot of credit, I guess, for the technology behind the modern roller coaster era
KYLE GETZ
That makes sense.
MIKE JOHNSON
And utilizing steel. That’s mostly all I had. I just wanted to say that that Moulin Rouge dude is definitely a gay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. [Mike laughs] Him and his roommate or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. What do you got, Kyle? You have any gayta on rollercoasters? Is it a gay thing?
KYLE GETZ
No!
MIKE JOHNSON
No? Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] Your turn.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great segment. Uh-
KYLE GETZ
No. So, what I did is I, um- As I was, like, looking up stuff, there’s not a lot that I found that was like “Here is this explicitly gay thing about it,” but gay stuff kept showing up. So, as I was looking stuff up, I basically just wrote down things about it that people said of why it’s kind of gay, or quotes that people said in articles, like gay people writing about it or whatever. So I’m just gonna go through some of the reasons this is kind of gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Um, one thing that some people have said is that roller coasters are gay because of the double income, no kids thing that gays might have.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Then again, someone on Reddit said “Its a good theory but most [enthusiasts] start when they are young. Before they have … disposable income that people without kids dont have,” so it does- this does seem like, from what I’ve seen- I watched a 30 minute documentary on roller coasters.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, and it does seem like it’s a thing that starts when you’re a kid, that- You know, we talked- I mean, we talked about it too. Like, memories of going to, like- enjoying roller coasters and, as a kid, doing this, and then I think some people hold on to that and continue that.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, sure.
KYLE GETZ
So yeah, I don’t- I agree with whoever this rando Reddit person is, that there’s more to it than just- You know, and having disposable income is helpful.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. I agree. Although, like, Disney has gotten so expensive.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm…
MIKE JOHNSON
I think that there- There are certain socioeconomic factors at play, right? Like-
KYLE GETZ
Absolutely.
MIKE JOHNSON
And I don’t think there’s any escaping that, but, um-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I also- Hopefully I’m not stealing your thunder. I think it’s because being a queer person is just so fucking difficult that, at least for the 90 seconds that you’re on a roller coaster, like, it’s hard to- it’s hard to have existential dread when you’re screaming. Yes.
KYLE GETZ
Yes! Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
And so, like, it just gets you out of your head for a little bit, and, like, you get to just be a adrenaline juiced-up mammal for a while, and not have to carry the weight that society puts on us for being queer people.
KYLE GETZ
I think there’s absolutely something to that. I think- It’s almost like I’m working on mindfulness in therapy, like I’m working on like being in moments, reducing anxiety, not like focusing on here now, and that’s a way to- Like, you gotta be here. Like, as soon as that thing drops, like, you’re not thinking about what’s for dinner tonight, or, you know- you know, whatever legislation is happening, or what weird thing I’m gonna post on Instagram that’s not gonna get enough likes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Like, you know? It’s just like- Yeah, I think there’s absolutely something to that. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Which, we would then see, I think, gays being attracted to other thrill-seeking-type-
KYLE GETZ
Drugs.
MIKE JOHNSON
-activities. And drugs, yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. That’s a thrill-seeking…
MIKE JOHNSON
I don’t know why I want to talk about horror film gays, but like, Fucking Dan is not the only person who’s gay that is like all about the horror movies, and I wonder if there’s something about being scared or jumpscares that’s also in this like weird, soothing space.
KYLE GETZ
Interesting. I didn’t think about it until you mentioned like horror films. Like, horror films make sense to me, of like… we’re more used to the horrors of life, [chuckles] so, like, I wonder if this is- I wonder if roller coasters have any kind of similarity. In watching the, um, the documentary- The documentary was made byyyy…. I fucking wrote this down, but I started going out of order… oh, by Australian daddy bear Malcolm Burt. There’s a documentary called “Signature Attraction” that he made, and there are a lot of people that are- It’s not a gay-specific- Like, he doesn’t mention- He does, in it, talk about, like, “I didn’t fit in” or “I was, like, a fat kid, and I was, like…” you know. So, he talked about things that are indirectly related to being gay. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Can we- Can we- Can we talk about the phrase “Australian daddy bear”?
KYLE GETZ
Sure.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, I’m super into it.
KYLE GETZ
You’re into “Australian daddy bear”?
MIKE JOHNSON
And I wouldn’t think that that would be my thing, but now I want one.
KYLE GETZ
I- [both laugh] We’re comin’ for ya, Australia. [Mike laughs] I mean, they have- They have some- They have wildlife that’ll kill ya. I wanna almost get murdered by an Australian daddy bear. That sounds fun. Um, why are we- What are we talking about? Okay, um-
MIKE JOHNSON
The documentary.
KYLE GETZ
The documentary, sure. Oh, they- [chuckles] There were there were a lot of- It was interesting to watch and just, like, you know, I would have never, except for this episode, watched anything about rollercoasters, and so- But there are also some people that were like- take it- It was just like “It parallels our lives, because what is life but a roller coa-” Or, I- They didn’t say that, but there was just a bunch of people making metaphors out of roller coasters, and I was like “Okay, we’re stretching a little bit, maybe.” [Mike chuckles] Okay, but maybe it’s true for them. Someone also mentioned, on an article on them.us by Steven Blum, [chuckles] there’s an overlap with the BDSM scene by saying, quote, “there’s an obvious parallel between strapping yourself into a coaster seat and strapping yourself into something else.”
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
“obvious parallel”? I didn’t- I would- I don’t think that’s true, Steven Blum. I didn’t- I wouldn’t have made that parallel, myself.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sometimes a cigar is just a dick. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I don’t- I don’t know if I, um- Also, someone on Reddit – again, like, none of this is like directly gay – someone on Reddit said “I went on a TPR” which is a theme park review trip “in 2011”- They have their own, like, lingo. Oh, and apparently “coaster”- I was talking to my cousin who apparently went on a date with a coaster gay and they use “coaster” as a verb.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
They had like their own lingo. They have a “coaster count” which is like your body count for coasters.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure. I wonder if there’s, like- Is there another- a sub count of that, of, like, your body count… on a coaster? Like how many people have you fucked on a roller coaster?
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Man, it’s so sad that mine is zero…
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, let’s fix that.
KYLE GETZ
…So far. We’re gonna go to Australia, we’re gonna pick up an Australian daddy bear, we’re gonna bring him to the U.S., we’re gonna fuck on a roller coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Ah, dreams.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, I am-
MIKE JOHNSON
And you said you had no plans for 2023. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
[chuckles] I know. New life goals. “I went on a [theme park review] trip in 2011 and I’d say about 40% of the guys were gay.” So that’s just one person posting that like- But again, that idea keeps coming up, of, like, disproportionately- people keep noticing disproportionately high number of gays being at these theme parks. What else?… On parkjourney.com, R.D. wrote an article and said it’s “the gayest hobby around”. This is actually kind of what you were saying. There is an American Coaster Enthusiasts, that’s an organization, so ACE, not asexual. But Tim Baldwin, the communications lead for ACE, said “One great thing about being on a roller coaster is there is no appropriate behavior.” “How many hobbies are there in which screaming is an appropriate response?” So-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. That’s, you know, what you were talking about. Back to Steven Blum on the them.us article, I wrote down, quote, “You see some folks on Grindr when you’re first entering the park, but eventually people put their phones away and just focus on having fun together.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
I could see there- What?
MIKE JOHNSON
I just- Like, the idea of cruising at a theme park is just really interesting now.
KYLE GETZ
Interest- Mike, you would- you show up in like a Denny’s and you’re on Grindr seeing who’s around. Like, you’re- Like, I would think that would be the first thing you would do when you walk into a theme park, is get on the apps.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, obvi.
KYLE GETZ
Ob- Yeah, so don’t act so surprised.
MIKE JOHNSON
I just- Like, it never ceases to amaze me the places that gay dudes are having, and, like, I’m just totally oblivious to it I guess. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. I don’t- I don’t- Yeah. I like having sex on the bed.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm.
KYLE GETZ
Or on the floor. Um- [Mike chuckles] This is not what we’re talking about. On Reddit, someone talked about – a straight user posted that – quote, “I used to be made fun of for being”… [Kyle laughs] …“‘gay for roller coasters’”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gay for roller coasters? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I just think that’s so funny. “I used to be made”- [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Check out the ass on that coaster? Mmm.
KYLE GETZ
Damn, look at those curves. [Mike laughs] Kids are so dumb. “You’re so gay for roller coasters, dude!” What a dumb- Okay. [both laugh] I don’t know why I think that’s funny. I needed more sleep. Okay, “I used to be made fun of for being ‘gay for roller coasters’ or ‘that weird nerd guy’ or whatever. Meanwhile, gay people are probably used to being made fun of for being gay so they’re more willing to be super obsessive about what they like.” So-
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s interesting.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. That comment speaks to what we’ve said about a lot of other things. If you are- When you’re gay you already broke a norm, so you’re allowed to just be interested in what you’re interested in, and I think we’ve talked about this for, like, nerdy shit like D&D. Like, I don’t have to go through the like, “Oh, I’m, you know, weird, and I have to decide how much to pursue this,” or, like- You can just kind of be a nerd, because you’re already- you’re already gonna be made fun of and not fit in.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And so I wouldn’t have connected this to that same kind of theme or topic, of, like, you can just be obsessed with this even though people make fun of you, because you’re already gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Is that why Comic-Con is so gay? There are a loooot of gays at Comic-Con, and events like it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
I wonder if it’s a similar, like, “I’m already dealing with the gay thing. Like, I can do what I want. Here I go.” [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I mean, I- I think the same thing for the furry community. Like, again, furries, not specifically gay but, you know, we know that they are- that with data we know that they are overrepresented there. So, like, that- It’s a cool thing about being gay, like being able to be into what you’re into.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And kind of go with it. So-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Maybe that Australian daddy bear can be in a furry suit.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
And we can- After we’re done with the roller coaster we can go to Comic-Con.
KYLE GETZ
You’re gonna get into furries- [both laugh] Wow, you just will do every single thing all at once. In Australian Daddy Bear’s documentary – I wrote down this quote because I really liked it – Professor Dana Anderson said “I know it’s not normal, and I know it’s not typical or common, and I think to an extent I’m probably still that smallish child who feels he needs to be doing more of what is common or expected and not feeling things as acutely, and that is part of my adulthood, but I am so enthralled by things like amusement parks, it’s hard to hide.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Hm. Hm!
KYLE GETZ
And the last thing I will say is, back to Reddit, which I just thought this was kind of beautiful, is someone said that roller coasters are “theatrically-inclined sort of escapism”.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Which, it is- Like, I didn’t- I- Again, like, a lot of things I didn’t think about until I- Like, it is like a little bit theatrical, like a little bit like campy, a little bit like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
MA JOHNSON
You know, when you go to theme parks it’s like- Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Although, like- Yeah, like circus motifs and like, you know, bright lights, and flashy colors, and screaming.
KYLE GETZ
People in costumes and screaming, yeah. [Mike chuckles] So, I don’t know. Again, like, this is why this was such a weird topic. None of that is explicitly gay, but it has gay overtones, and lots of gays involved in it, and then gays that like it. I really think- Like, people listening, like ask five of your gay friends and I bet you one of them will know a roller coaster gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. A coaster gay.
KYLE GETZ
A coaster gay!
MIKE JOHNSON
Using it as an intransitive verb, I’m just not down with that. Like-
KYLE GETZ
Douche shot.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. [Kyle chuckles] Do you wanna get together next weekend and coaster?
KYLE GETZ
[speaking bro-ishly] Let’s coaster, dude!
MIKE JOHNSON
Barf. [Kyle laughs] Don’t do that.
KYLE GETZ
“Coaster”? I barely know ‘er.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, I forgot to mention that, I think, if people want one of the cool websites that I came across that had an excellent big history of roller coasters, it’s ultimaterollercoaster.com. They have a whoooole section.
KYLE GETZ
You wanna read more on the history of coasters?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if they have any of this stuff that you’re talking about. I- Anyway… Um, it’s my turn, right?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
I wanna talk to you about… I don’t know how to say his name.
KYLE GETZ
Oh.
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s my turn to not know how to say something.
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Yaaay. Do it!
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh… I’m gonna say Julijonas… Urbonas- [TN: said “HOO-lee-oh-nas ER-bo-nas”]
KYLE GETZ
That’s… not a name.
MIKE JOHNSON
-who’s Lithuanian. He is – or, was – a PhD candidate at the Royal College of Art in London in 2010 when he designed the Euthanasia Coaster.
KYLE GETZ
Eughhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
Are you familiar with this? Have you heard of this?
KYLE GETZ
I’ve heard it, but I know n- I know- Oh, I think I’ve seen it, like, a design for something, but yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, it has one ridiculous peak at the beginning and then… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… 7 loops right after it. And- So it’s a steep, steep angled lift that takes you 1600 feet to the top. So that’s like, what, a quarter mile? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Damn.
MIKE JOHNSON
And then, uh, it takes a few minutes to get up there, and then a 1600 foot drop that would take you up to 220 miles per hour- Oh, it’s never been built, by the way. So, like, this thing-
KYLE GETZ
Oh, okay, this is a theoretical?
MIKE JOHNSON
This thing- Yeah, this doesn’t actually exist. And then it goes into seven inversions with a smaller diameter than the one before.
KYLE GETZ
Loop de loops? Is that what they’re called?
MIKE JOHNSON
And that’s how it gets up to the 10 g centrifugal force that would kill you. So, uh, there’s a reason like when test pilots get into that machine and they spin them around and then they pass out. Like, your brain blood pressure can only like stand so much before it- Like, it’s not great, and 10 gs will kill you.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
So- [chuckles] The design is hilarious. I think this is hilarious.
KYLE GETZ
Sure, let’s bring some joy to the the Euthanasia Coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
After a sharp right-hand turn the train would enter a straight, where unloading of corpses could begin. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Guhh, I didn’t think about the part after! Poor operators. Like, “Welp…”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Yep. Um-
KYLE GETZ
I wonder if your face, like, is like gonna be stuck in a screaming- Like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like- Well, I mean, I don’t think rigor mortis would have set in in just like 60 seconds or whatever, but-
KYLE GETZ
Mike.
MIKE JOHNSON
What?
KYLE GETZ
Let me have this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
If I take comfort in the idea of all the corpses have, like, yelling faces- [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh my god. Uh, so John Allen, who was the president of the Philadelphia Toboggan Company, said that he thought that the ultimate roller coaster was one that, quote, “sends out 24 people and they all come back dead,” and that’s what he decided to do this design. But this dude, Julijonas- I think it’s Julijonas. Julijonas, uh, that’s not only ridiculous thing that he’s designed. Also when I’ve seen- I’ve watched videos of this dude. He doesn’t seem not gay.
KYLE GETZ
Okay! [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
So more wild speculation! [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
This whole thing is just gonna be like vaguely gay, but we can’t put our finger on it, or in it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, he did some work with or for the CCCB, which is the Center of Contemporary Culture in Barcelona, but it’s in Spanish. Anyway, he also invented a thing called the “Cumspin”, and- [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Whaaat? Nooo, I invented that first. I need to sue him.
MIKE JOHNSON
What is the cumspin for you, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
[makes horrific mouth noises, with air going in and out of mouth]
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, no! I didn’t want sound-
KYLE GETZ
You just gurgle a little bit.
MIKE JOHNSON
I didn’t want sound effects! Oh, God. Okay.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] It spins around in my mouth. It’s like tasting a fine whiskey, you know? You wanna like really savor it. [laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Ugh… God.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] I hope my dad isn’t listening to this episode.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. Okay, so, here’s the description. December 11th of 2015, this posted. “Cumspin”-
KYLE GETZ
Spell “Cumspin”.
MIKE JOHNSON
C-U-M-S-P-I-N.
KYLE GETZ
No- Oh. Oh, really?!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes!
KYLE GETZ
Oh, shut the fuck up! [Mike laughs] Okay! Okay. I was joking. Interesting.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Cumspin is a proposal for an orgasm enhancing funfair machine.”
KYLE GETZ
[gasps] Funfair machine…
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s, uh- “Based on the principle of a centrifuge, it exposes the love riders to variable gravitational forces.” There are “eight spherical capsules, [and] the lovers … control the centripetal force by changing the distance between the axis and the capsule. The farther from the axis, the greater the force … pushes them against the wall. Coordinating movements with [those] forces could enable controlled blood flow, which could heighten sensations. Directing the blood to the lower extremities would cause the sudden loss of oxygen to the brain accompanied by euphoria. The latter in tandem with orgasm creates a sensation beyond any definition of pleasure:”-
KYLE GETZ
You just described my kink.
MIKE JOHNSON
-“[a] [h]ypergravitational orgasm.” This whole thing is a “Choke me, daddy!” machine [Kyle laughs] without the choking, by using, like, the- Oh my god.
KYLE GETZ
10 gs on my dick.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, the Australian bear daddy, you’re gonna have to take him on the Cumspin! [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Oh, this is- He probably knows about it. He’s more in it than I am.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, “Cumspin” spelled the correct way: C-U-M-
KYLE GETZ
Wow. I thought this was, like, going to- Like, that’s a funny name, but no it really is about- It- That’s- It is specifically a sexual- [chuckles] This is the weirdest thing that has ever come up on this show.
MIKE JOHNSON
I love this guy. I just- I just think that he is sick, and twisted, and amazing, and, um- Yeah. That’s it. This whole segment was just so that I could talk about the Cumspin, which I-
KYLE GETZ
Man, nothing- [Mike laughs] How could I follow that, Mike? Why did you do this to me? What more am I gonna talk about than the Cumspin for the rest of my life? [both laugh] This is all I wanna talk about, is the Cumspin. I guess I’ll
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, it’s-
KYLE GETZ
What?
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s problematic as a ride, because, like, it’s invented to make orgasms happen and be better. Like, can you imagine operating that ride? You gotta wash it out when they’re done, [Kyle laughs] like, after you- after you’ve spun the cum out of some people.
KYLE GETZ
I mean, what’s better, a dead body or cumstains? [Mike laughs] You know, I’d rather- I’d pick the cum any day.
MIKE JOHNSON
Weirdest amusement park ever, [both laugh] designed by this dude.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, I guess I’m gonna keep talking. Boy- But I won’t- But my- You know my mind will be still on Cumspins.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. The roller coaster continues. We had corpses. That’s, you know, a down, and now here we go-
KYLE GETZ
And then you gave me cum.
MIKE JOHNSON
Ride in a Cumspin. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Okay, [sighs] um, I’m gonna talk about a couple of the events associated with roller coasters.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, great.
KYLE GETZ
Apparently, uh, back to the them.us article by Steven Blum, they started the article by describing that Alaska Thunderfuck performed the song “Your Makeup Is Terrible” at-
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm. [doing an impression of Alaska Thunderfuck] Your makeup is terrible!
KYLE GETZ
You know the song?
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely!
KYLE GETZ
Wow, I didn’t- gayest of the week!
MIKE JOHNSON
I know, I knew a drag queen thing!
KYLE GETZ
Wow! I didn’t know the song.
[song clip of Your Makeup Is Terrible, by ALASKA THUNDERFUCK]
Your makeup is terrible! Your makeup is terrible! Your makeup is terrible! Your makeup is terrible, but I love you anyway.
KYLE GETZ
We did, in preparation for this episode, listen to the Erika Jayne song “Roller Coaster”, which is not bad enough to be so bad it’s good, and it’s not good enough to be so bad it’s good. It’s bad, [Mike laughs] is what I’m saying. It’s so bad.
[song clip of ERIKA JAYNE singing Roller Coaster]
Take me on a- Take me on a- Take me on a roller coaster.
KYLE GETZ
Anyway, Alaska Thunderfuck. I like shitty music and this didn’t do it for me. [Mike laughs] Uh, okay, Alaska Thunderfuck performed at Out at the Mountain [TN: Out on the Mountain] at Six Flags Magic Mountain. That is a- apparently an event that Steven described it as “rowdier” than the Disney gay event.
MIKE JOHNSON
Gay Days?
KYLE GETZ
There’s- They have drag queens, they have alcohol, it goes into the night, and a big thing is it is an official event for Out at the Mountain.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, okay. Unlike Disney. The Gay Days is just kind of like under the radar, not really a thing but we make it a thing.
KYLE GETZ
Yep. Yep. Yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
Any bar’s a gay bar if you bring enough friends, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Yep, exactly. That’s exactly what we do. Which is- You know, it’s weird that Gay Days is not an official thing. I don’t- I can’t tell if it’s homophobic or not, because it seems like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Mm. Eh. That’s- That’s a sentence you usually know the answer to. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, I guess when you’re asking “Well, I don’t know, I might be charged $35,000 for accusing Disney of being homophobic these days.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, this podcast not available in… Tennessee or wherever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, that law- That law, they’re actually trying to make it so that it does cross state lines.
KYLE GETZ
Ohh.
MIKE JOHNSON
That, like, you could get sued in Florida court for- Yeah. Like, what you’re saying is part of the proposal.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Go ahead, please.
KYLE GETZ
Man I would-
MIKE JOHNSON
This is no longer the news.
KYLE GETZ
This is no longer the news. [both laugh] Then why is the news theme song playing?
[News segment intro plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
Shut your mouth hole-
KYLE GETZ
Um… [Mike laughs] Michael, focus.
MIKE JOHNSON
Best episode ever.
KYLE GETZ
Michael Johnson, we’re focusing. Yeah, so Gay Days is not for Disney. That’s, you know, where all the gays show up at the park. But I- I don’t know if they do any kind of, like, event, or like this kind of thing for any group during regular park hours.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh yeah. Uh-huh.
KYLE GETZ
So it might actually be a blanket, like, thing across the board, not specific to like Gay Days.
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay.
KYLE GETZ
Disney, howmever, does sell rainbow pride merchandise. They have special food on the menu, like, they will- They absolutely make their money off of it. That’s part of the annoying thing, is, like, it’s both not official and they’re gonna fuckin’ sell rainbow shit as homosexuals.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, sure. Great. There are a bunch of current and former Disney employees in the WOW Guild. I’m definitely gonna talk to them about this tomorrow.
KYLE GETZ
Ohhh. Oh, I didn’t mention- So, the next Out at the Mountain, at Six Flags Magic Mountain, is this year at August 18th. The next Gay Days for Disney is September 22nd to 24th. And the last event is, ACE, the American Coaster Enthusiasts, have Coaster Con.
MIKE JOHNSON
Coaster Con! [Kyle chuckles] …I- Why are you laughin’? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I just- I don’t know. I am hung over, and, just, everything is funny, and this is- “Coaster Con”, of course there’s a Coaster Con. Like, sure. But, um, it’s usually the third or fourth week in June.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh! That’s when Pride is!
KYLE GETZ
That’s Pride! This is- Again, like, I keep saying it, like, it’s in the ballpark of gayness!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, it-
MIKE JOHNSON
[chuckles] Putting the “anus” in “gayness”. [both laugh] I don’t know, Kyle.
KYLE GETZ
Um, uh, Cumspin. [Mike laughs] Okay, five to- It’s a five to seven day event of exc- They have exclusive coaster times. They do- [Mike snorts] What?
MIKE JOHNSON
Nothing, I just- [laughs] I caught your weird sense of humor now.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, it’s just- All of this is so weird. It’s- This is- I support it, support you coaster gays, I support coaster… coaster files. Like-
MIKE JOHNSON
Coaster lives matter? [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Like, all of it is great, and it’s just weird to me, uh, and I support everyone doing it. They have a- [chuckles] I wrote “five to seven days of exclusive coaster times,” comma, and then wrote nothing else.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
I didn’t answer that-
MIKE JOHNSON
You did it. It’s fine.
KYLE GETZ
No, but- No, there’s more- They have, like… meetings, and events, and like they talk about it, and they like get together. They have, like- It’s like an entire- Like, they have far more stuff outside of even just riding roller coasters. So, the next one will be – there are two different locations – it’s June 18th to 23rd. One at Carowinds in Charlotte, North Carolina, and another one at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.
MIKE JOHNSON
God, I want to go to Dollywood so bad.
KYLE GETZ
You know all the gays that going to the Tennessee one in Dollywood.
MIKE JOHNSON
Absolutely.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
She’s amazing.
KYLE GETZ
Also kind of gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
And very gay.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
Okay, that’s the gayest thing. I know we just talked about cum for like 30 minutes, but this event at Dollywood is the gayest thing that we’ve said so far.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. That’s where we should set up the Cumspin, is-
KYLE GETZ
Ohhhh.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’ll take the Australian daddy bear to Dollywood. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
To Dollywood, yes. This is all coming together.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh goodness, Kyle, are you ready for this?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Do we have Patreon content?
KYLE GETZ
Um, I have something- Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah? Okay.
KYLE GETZ
I, um-
MIKE JOHNSON
Do you wanna tease it now? Or-
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Tease me.
KYLE GETZ
Deedle deedle deedle dee. That’s me playing with its nipples. Um- [both chuckle] Because I’m teasing it, yeah. Um, I’m gonna talk about masculine stereotypes of roller coasters, by way of Polly Pocket.
MIKE JOHNSON
I- I don’t know what that is, so-
KYLE GETZ
You’ll have to listen to the Patreon episode, Mike. I mean, segment.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m ready.
KYLE GETZ
Okay. This was an article on the ACE website that I read, so we’ll talk a little bit more about that.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m gonna charge myself money to listen to it.
KYLE GETZ
Mhm. Listen to it. It’s gonna be real good.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. [chuckles] Excellent. Well, okay, I have a game for you.
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
The title of it is “Roller Coaster, or Happy Hole Toy?” [Kyle laughs] So, our friends over at Happy Hole Toys, I looked at their website and wrote down the names of some of the models of their dildos.
KYLE GETZ
Boy, they owe us money.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, I- That’s what Derek was saying too, when I was pitching the idea for this. He was like “We talk about them a lot for free.”
KYLE GETZ
[both laugh] They got their money’s worth, which was 0 dollars, so, yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, so, I’m gonna name some things and you’re gonna tell me if you think that this is a roller coaster or a dildo [both chuckle] from Happy Hole Toys, okay?
KYLE GETZ
Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Here we go. Number one: Goliath.
KYLE GETZ
Wow… I’m gonna go Happy Hole toy, they got some big things there.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, that is at Six Flags Great America, in Gurnee, Illinois.
KYLE GETZ
Ugh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Number two: the Magister.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, since the first one was a roller coaster I’m gonna just guess this one is a Happy Hole toy.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is a Happy Hole toy, yeah. It comes in many sizes and comes in different hardnesses.
KYLE GETZ
Oh, different levels of firmness like a mattress?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah, all of them do, actually.
KYLE GETZ
“What’s your sleep number for your dildo?”
MIKE JOHNSON
[both laugh] Uh, eight or nine, probably?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, Sasquatch.
KYLE GETZ
Sasquatch… That’s a- That’s a Happy Hole toy! They talked about it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Correct, it is a Happy Hole toy. It is also at Six Flags Great Escape, in Queensbury, New York. That wins at both.
KYLE GETZ
It’s both?! Aw. Instead of saying that I got it wrong because I didn’t guess that, I’m gonna say I got it right and would have no matter what.
MIKE JOHNSON
I’m with you.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Unless I guessed a weird third option.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, the Axol. A-X-O-L.
KYLE GETZ
That’s got to be a roller coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is a Happy Hole toy.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
The line of dildos called the “Axol”.
KYLE GETZ
Well, okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, Kingda Ka.
KYLE GETZ
Uh, roller coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is at Six Flags Great Adventure, in New Jersey. The Steel Dragon 2000!
KYLE GETZ
I mean, with a number at the end of it, I think that’s a Happy Hole toy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, that is at Nagashima Spa Land, in Japan.
KYLE GETZ
Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Yep. That one is a roller coaster.
KYLE GETZ
I mean… Happy Hole toys, love your names also, maybe- Like, go ahead and just look at roller coaster names and grab some of these. These are some great dildo names that- [Mike chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
The, uh, Magnum XL-200
KYLE GETZ
If this is not a dildo, I will sit on… the Magnum XL, or whatever.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Well, uh, it’s a very large roller coaster-
KYLE GETZ
What?!
MIKE JOHNSON
-in Cedar Point, in Sandusky, Ohio.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, no, [Mike laughs] this is the gayest part about roller coasters, is these names. That’s not a sex toy? Wow.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, the Geo.
KYLE GETZ
Okay, because I have been- I’m gonna stick with, that’s a Happy Hole toy.
MIKE JOHNSON
That is indeed a Happy Hole toy.
KYLE GETZ
These are- Like, they’re all opposite of what you would expect. Like, the Magnum is a roller coaster, the Goliath is a roller coaster, and the, like, FuckMeTron 2000 [Mike laughs] is like a roller coaster! I don’t-
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, the last one: the Leviathan.
KYLE GETZ
[sighs] I want- [Mike laughs] My instinct is that’s a Happy Hole toy, so I’m gonna say it’s a roller coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
Correct!
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] Okay!
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s a roller coaster at Canada’s Wonderland! [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I’m glad that by the end of this game I caught on to how it works.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, I did not keep score. You won, in my heart.
KYLE GETZ
Yaaaay!
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Ah, I liked those games.
KYLE GETZ
That- That was- That was weird. [both laugh]
MIKE JOHNSON
I agree with you. Like, the fact that “Magnum XL-200” [laughs] is a coaster.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah, did you just lie this entire time?
MIKE JOHNSON
No, no. No, no, no. No.
KYLE GETZ
Uh… [both chuckle]
MIKE JOHNSON
Happy Hole Toys, everybody. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Happy Hole Toys, they’re local. Um-
MIKE JOHNSON
And very pretty.
KYLE GETZ
And very pretty.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
If that matters to you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Mhm.
KYLE GETZ
Just random things that I came across or talked to people about, like there is a subreddit called coasterbros.
MIKE JOHNSON
Coasterbros?
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, which is a gay- Um, there’s both-
MIKE JOHNSON
I wonder what they think about the Cumspin. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Um, they- Like, on the description is like- it’s, you know, gay and roller coasters, and then they also have the little bear. So like, there’s something to bears and coasters too, maybe?
MIKE JOHNSON
That’s interesting.
KYLE GETZ
I- Yeah. Um, there is- There- We- Like you said, we found a few Instagram accounts of gay- coaster gays, but there’s one at themepark.gay, and- [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
I love it when shit is just on the nose.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like “Happy Hole Toys”, right? [both laugh] Like, tells you need to know.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah, yeah. Um, themepark.gay is a guy named Devin.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
Devin’s account.
MIKE JOHNSON
Hey, Devin!
KYLE GETZ
Hi, Devin! [both laugh] This episode is not only for John Crawley, it’s for Devin, I think- I decided.
MIKE JOHNSON
Sure.
KYLE GETZ
Um, okay, what’s the- Um, I- Even after looking this up and talking about it, I still don’t- I do not know why this is gay, and it is.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. What do- Do you have like a- Do you have a final- Final roller coaster thoughts?
MIKE JOHNSON
I think… It’s interesting because it’s, like, exciting and lazy at the same time, right? Like, all you gotta do is just sit there-
KYLE GETZ
Yes.
MIKE JOHNSON
-and have fun.
KYLE GETZ
This was actually in the documentary. They were like, not everyone can be a marathon runner, not everyone can climb a mountain, not everyone can do this.
MIKE JOHNSON
Or jump out of an airplane.
KYLE GETZ
Or jump- They actually mentioned that. Bungee- Like, they mentioned all of those things. Not everyone can do that stuff. So, this is a thrill that anyone can sit down and do this and you get this kind of thrill.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And there is- We didn’t mention, like- Oh, I did mention- Like, there is like a count. Like, you know, all the coaster folk have their, like, count of roller coasters they’ve ridden, and that’s like a kind of claim to fame. And so it’s, you know, effort and stuff to go do that, but yes, and you’re sitting down and everyone can- It’s very inclusive in that way. Everyone can sit down and a ride roller coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah! And I don’t think- I don’t know, maybe we just decided? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like there’s a lot of things in different kinds of culture, but gay culture as well, of… who fuckin’ knows why? It’s just arbitrary and it happened.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, why are fucking hankies tell you what kind of piss you’re into? [Kyle laughs] Like, it’s- But, like, we just decided that that’s the way that we were doing it, and so it happened.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
So maybe we just- we just- A critical mass of gays got excited about roller coasters and it turned into a thing and snowballed.
KYLE GETZ
That’s- That’s true. Mmm.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] The Cumspin! [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
I just thought about the Cumspin again. That’s what- It shouldn’t be called “snowballing”, it should be called-
MIKE JOHNSON and KYLE GETZ
-“cumspinning”.
MIKE JOHNSON
[laughs] Oh, God.
KYLE GETZ
Um, in spite of joking about it, I think it’s- I do imagine, like someone mentioned, like being made fun of for this, I do imagine that people might get made fun of and- or, like, “Why aren’t you growing up? This is a thing for kids.” And I think, especially what the last few years have taught me, is just don’t- just let people have fun and be happy.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep.
KYLE GETZ
Like, if this is- If this is what they want to do and spend their time on- And it is a lot of fun, and, like, I like roller coasters. I wanna ride a roller coaster now… I want cum.
MIKE JOHNSON
I- [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
In that order.
MIKE JOHNSON
Something that you just said, I’m super down with, which is the idea that, like, gay people do tend to suffer from arrested development. Like, our childhood, in a lot of ways, was taken away from us by trying to navigate the issues of just being a queer kid, and then all of society’s pressures and- and, uh, messages about your value and your worth. I think there are a lot of, like, quote unquote “childish things” that are attractive to gay people because of that arrested development, and, um, which was a good show but not what I’m talking about. [Kyle laughs] And I could see the- like roller coasters, theme parks, being oriented to kids as a form of entertainment, appealing to that part of, like, the broken inner child of a gay person.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Well, I mean, like, we kind of didn’t get a childhood because we got- we had to spend it with the added weight, and anxiety, and pressure, and bullying, and all of this added shit that made our childhoods not what we should have- what a child deserves, like, during that time, which is carefree lighthearted fun. And so, to, as an adult, be able to revisit some of that, now hopefully accepting yourself in a better place to be- and just kind of embrace both who you are and the things you like, there’s something kind of beautiful about revisiting some of those memories as an adult and be like “I missed this as a child. I missed a lot of fun enjoyable things, and I get to have fun. I get to- I get to embrace that inner child that didn’t get those things.”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. I get to coaster if I want to!
KYLE GETZ
Uh, coaster if you want to. [Mike laughs]
MIKE JOHNSON
Coaster? I barely know ‘er.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God.
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] That’s- That sound means it’s the end of the episode.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, yeah-
MIKE JOHNSON
This is- Our time has ended. Or, no-
KYLE GETZ
Oh. We have- I don’t know.
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, it’s time for us to part ways. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
What you said, “We have reached the conclusion of this being interesting,” or something. [both laugh] Whatever you said at that-
MIKE JOHNSON
Uh, did we do it?
KYLE GETZ
Uh, I think we did as much as we could have for the topic. Like, again, like, I- Yeah. Because I don’t think there’s more out there that we just- I don’t know, maybe there’s a research study that I didn’t find or something, but, like, yes, I think we did it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. John, you paid for this. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
John, this is- this is what you came for. I hope you like it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, God. Do you want to take a break?
KYLE GETZ
Let’s take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s take a break!
KYLE GETZ
Wee!
MIKE JOHNSON
Cumspin! [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
If the Cumspin doesn’t have merch, [Mike laughs] we’re making Cumspin merch.
[Break music plays, sung by MIKE JOHNSON]
This is the part where Mike and Kyle take a break!
MIKE JOHNSON
Okay, you ready?
KYLE GETZ
I’m ready. Are you ready?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yes. So, are we back?
KYLE GETZ
Cumspin! I mean, we’re back! Sorry.
MIKE JOHNSON
[both laugh] We’re back. What are we gonna do, Kyle?
KYLE GETZ
Oh, fuck! Sorry, my line. I’m- Okay. Um- You know where my brain’s at. I’m gonna- We’re- We- All of us are gonna do our Gayest & Straightest.
MIKE JOHNSON
We’re gonna do our Gayest & Straightest, but first, our website is gayishpodcast.com.
KYLE GETZ
I am half here. Um, we’re on social media and you should follow us. Go to @gayishpodcast wherever.
MIKE JOHNSON
Our hotline – you can send us text messages or leave us voicemails – is 5855-Gayish. That’s 585-542-9474. Standard rates apply.
KYLE GETZ
Our email is gayishpodcast@gmail.com.
MIKE JOHNSON
And our physical mailing address is Post Office Box 19882 Seattle, Washington 98109. Um…
KYLE GETZ
Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
Nope, Local Gay Bar Review real fast.
KYLE GETZ
Ooo!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep, this time I’m gonna talk to you about the Lookout, which is in the Castro, in San Francisco.
KYLE GETZ
There’s a place called The Lookout here in Seattle. It’s not a gay bar.
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, it should be.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah!
MIKE JOHNSON
Any bar’s a gay bar if you bring enough friends, Kyle. Uh, the Lookout is a- it’s been there for a really long time. I’ve actually gone several times in the course of my 15 year gay history – 14 year gay history – and, um- but it’s unique in that it is – and I think that’s why they named it the Lookout – it is all upstairs and has like these big glass walls that make it like a monster view of the Castro, and the city below, and of what’s going on. And uh, yeah, the last time that I was there it was fun because I got to meet with the leadership of Outforce, which is Salesforce’s LGBT, um…
MA JOHNSON
Employee resource group?
MIKE JOHNSON
Employee resource group, thank you. ERG. And uh, it was just- It was really- It was really nice. It’s fun, mixed crowd, a little dark, and kind of cold when people forget to close the goddamn door. Which, it says “Close the goddamn door,” because it also cuts down the noise and it pisses off the neighbors. Anyway, I like it there. It’s fun. Uh, three and a half dildos.
KYLE GETZ
Wow. Why does that feel mean to me? That rating seems low for a place you like.
MIKE JOHNSON
I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
Close the door, people. Let’s get another half dildo in there, if you close the fuckin’ door.
MIKE JOHNSON
Some of it too, I think, might be the fact that like San Francisco is so goddamned expensive.
KYLE GETZ
Mmm.
MIKE JOHNSON
Um, maybe? I dunno.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Lookout, here in Seattle, is way cheaper.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
And it has a nice view. Gayest & Straightest?
MIKE JOHNSON
Let’s do our Gayest & Straightest.
KYLE GETZ
I’ll go. Um, my gayest is- I kind of have, like, flopped them a little bit. My gayest is-
MIKE JOHNSON
Hah.
KYLE GETZ
Right? [chuckles] I played darts, but I- This was one- I often- As I’ve mentioned, like, I joke about sports but I know the rules to football, I know how to play football, I know the rules all these things. I played darts, did not know the rules, so it felt- You know, like, anytime you’re like “What are we doing? I don’t know. What are the rules? How do we do this?”
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
Um, did not know the rules at all.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Well, and darts is one of those things that there’s like so many different variations of it.
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Like, it’s not just “What are the rules of darts?”
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. All I know is I got zero points.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh, that seems bad.
KYLE GETZ
That was ba- [Mike laughs] I don’t know the rules, but I think that was bad. [laughs] This is not golf. Um, my straightest is: I went to Into the Woods, the musical. I had never seen it.
MIKE JOHNSON
Oh.
KYLE GETZ
So this was my very first- I had never seen a production, the movie… I have seen Anna Kendrick doing interviews about it. That’s… pretty gay. But my straightest is: it was my very first time seeing it.
MIKE JOHNSON
What did you think?
KYLE GETZ
It was fine.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah?
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] I just- It’s, like- Act 1 is laying a loooooot of groundwork. It’s like- After act 1 I was like “I don’t think I like this,” and it was like all a setup for act two, so, like- Um- And yeah, I don’t know. It kind of, like, almost gets there, but not really, for me. Like the Erika Jayne song, Roller Coaster. [both chuckle] I’m just gonna compare everything, say if I like it better or worse the Erika Jayne song, Roller Coaster.
MIKE JOHNSON
Great. [chuckles] Excellent.
KYLE GETZ
“How was your day, Kyle?” “A little bit better than the Erika Jayne song, Roller Coaster?” [Mike laughs] What about you, Mike?
MIKE JOHNSON
Well, the straightest thing about me this week was going home to eastern Washington and playing piano in a country western band for the night.
KYLE GETZ
Ooo, yep.
MIKE JOHNSON
It was- Yeah. I also realized that, like, there’s a lot of songs that I just do not know, but it’s okay because all country music is the same. [both laugh] So I can just play a different song and it all works out.
KYLE GETZ
People don’t know you’re playing a different song in the background.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. [laughs] Because they’re all three chords, and easy, and- Anyway, whatever. Um, and then the gayest thing about me this week: at that gig my brother Murph showed up and he said, quote, “Michael, you’re looking particularly gay tonight,” [both laugh] to which I curtsied. [both laugh]
KYLE GETZ
Were you- What were you wearing?
MIKE JOHNSON
Basically my frat outfit from that episode the week before.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. I had mentioned it was kind of gay.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Jeans, and a button-up, and a jacket over it. I thought it was, you know… It was like gay cowboy vibes or something. [Kyle chuckles] Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Yeah. A listener’s Gayest & Straightest, this one comes to us from Discord, and, uh, Aigieda, who is in our WOW Guild as well. Hey, girl, hey.
KYLE GETZ
Hi.
MIKE JOHNSON
He just went to Florida and- uh, well, for Disney World stuff.
KYLE GETZ
Oh. Oh. Oh!
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah.
KYLE GETZ
That’s on-theme, did you do it in preparation for this episode?
MIKE JOHNSON
Yep. Uh, the straightest thing about him: “Straightest: Seeing so many children at Disney world and thinking I’d like to be Dad with my future “partner” [or] husband”.
KYLE GETZ
Aww.
MIKE JOHNSON
“Gayest: Breeding a married man wearing a Disney Daddy shirt in the bathroom after riding in front of him at the Safari ride pointing out all the animals for his kids and […] wife taking pictures.” [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
[wheezes] Whaaaat? Wow. You took him on a- for Cumspin.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah you did. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Good for you. Um, thank you to John Crawley for suggesting this episode. I absolutely never would have thought about or picked this topic, and I’m really glad- I just feel like now I know something that I didn’t. I’m on it, a little bit. I know something I didn’t know before.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. Yeah, and when we had the meeting with him we were like “Should we just have the- Should the episode about theme parks and do a roller coaster section?” and then we took a chance, like “Nah, we’ll just do roller coasters. We’ll just lean in,” and it-
KYLE GETZ
Yeah.
MIKE JOHNSON
Yeah. It was pretty interesting and gay, so…
KYLE GETZ
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, John. Also, thank you to the following Super Gap Bridgers: Andrew Bugbee, Christopher M, John Crawley, Stephen Portch, Joh Stoessel, Harry Shaw, Josh Copeland, Jonathan Montañez, Forrest Nail, Patrick Martin, James Barrow, Steve Douglas, Explosive Lasagna, Michael Cubbington, Just Jamie, Kevin Henderson, Tomas B, Timothy Saura, DustySands, AE Coleman, Chris Khachatourians, and Jerome York. Thank you all for your support.
MIKE JOHNSON
Thank you for your support. That is it! This has been Gayish! From the Chris Khachatourians Cumspin, I’m Mike Johnson. [chuckles]
KYLE GETZ
[laughs] I’m Cumspin McGee. Until next week, be butch, be fabulous, be you.
MIKE JOHNSON
Bye.
[Outro music plays, instrumental]
KYLE GETZ
Augh! [chuckles]
MIKE JOHNSON
It’s-
KYLE GETZ
I’m sorry, I’m getting my- Okay.
MIKE JOHNSON
You may have just sustained the first podcasting injury of the year. [both chuckle]
KYLE GETZ
No, I just- I light- Okay. I have accidentally lightly touched my coffee mug into my mic, and I thought-
MIKE JOHNSON
We have L&I insurance but it only covers Derek. [laughs]
KYLE GETZ
Oh no! I shouldn’t L or I! [chuckles] Okay.
[Transcriptionist: C Dixon, CMDixonWork@gmail.com]